015: Pure Again Daylight, Chapter 12
Jul. 31st, 2011 07:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beautifultragedyFandom: Breath of Fire
Story: Pure Again
Summary: Very Bad Things happen when rogue demigods try to reverse time.
Warning: references to sexual abuse
Graphic depiction of self-harm
From the Eyes of the Son
It was like a bad dream. A very, very bad dream.
In the first few days, I'd convinced myself that I was actually asleep, my mind was going through its fears about the competition, and I'd be fine when I woke. I intentionally smacked my right foot against my left, several times, to try to induce enough pain to wake me. It never worked.
My friends spent as much time as they could with me, but they all had school. On the days when it was Dad Sara, and I it wasn't so bad. But when Dad was working and Demeter was home, it was horrible- and when they both were working, it was almost unbearable. Those days I would have even welcomed Demeter's company, and I would have even put up with her mind games without much complaint. It was something to do, at the very least.
I got caught up entirely with my schoolwork, and read every book I owned, and read half of Dad's library- and even half is no quick task. I was eventually left with absolutely nothing to do, and I still couldn't walk.
Left with nothing to keep me company during the days but my thoughts, I considered - for the first time ever- killing myself. I couldn't live like this. I turned over many, many methods of suicide in my head, figuring out how painful each would be, how long it would take to kill me, and how much worse it would make my situation of idleness if I didn't succeed. I eventually decided to slash my wrists.
To do this, I had to get out of bed, get my rings, and get to the bathroom. I was the only one home that day- both Dad and Demi were at work, and as I was incapacitated, Mom had agreed to watch Sara whenever both the adults had to work. Getting out of bed wasn't that hard. I just sat over the edge of it and scooted off onto the floor. I pulled myself up onto my knees, wincing at the sharp pain lancing up my left leg.
I managed to pull myself up high enough to get my rings, then- carefully, so I wouldn't cut myself, I started crawling down the hallway to the stairs.
Halfway down the stairs, I was sweating profusely, couldn't catch my breath, and could barely move my broken leg. I was dazed from the pain, and I was starting to regret doing this. But I wouldn't turn back. I was determined, and besides- there was no way for me to get back up the stairs, let alone back in bed.
It took me a good hour to get from my room to the bathroom, and when I finally managed to get inside and kick the door shut - with the wrong foot, I discovered to my painful horror- I collapsed onto the floor, gasping. Fighting to get my wits back, I glanced up at the window; I judged by the light filtering in that it was early afternoon. Dad would be home- he had to be, to check on me and pick Janus up from school- at about four... That meant that I had three hours to die, tops, maybe less.
I dragged myself over to the bathtub and started the water running as hot as I could get it. I felt a little pang of regret that it had to be this way- Dad said that things as simple as bathtubs with hot water and telephones didn't exist when he was my age, let alone the kinds of weapons we had around, or computers or medical equipment. It seemed that technology was advancing really fast, and I wanted to see what kinds of things would come in the future. But I wasn't going to. That made me sad.
Then there was Janus... I felt like I was abandoning him. And Sara, too.
And Sorrow... I pushed such thoughts out of my head determinedly. I'd just nearly convinced myself not to go through with it. Quickly, before I had time to think of anything else I would miss dearly, I slashed down my wrist, next to the scar I already bore on that arm. Then I drew the ring across the first cut, starting at my forearm, and making little ladder rungs all the way down to my wrist. And then I did the same for my other arm.
I knew it probably should have hurt like hell, but my ankle was throbbing painfully, and I felt numb and detached. I let the wounds bleed on their own for a few moments, grinning viscously at my handiwork. I felt a kind of sick pride at it. Then, holding my breath, I plunged my arms into the bath water.
I felt it then. I cried out as the water burned my hands and the uninjured part of my arms, and had to resist the reflexive urge to pull away. I held myself there, kneeling over the bathtub, letting the water burn me and hopefully quicken the bleeding.
After a while, it hurt less, and I was so tired. I drifted in and out of consciousness. Sometimes I felt how much pain I was in, felt the urge to scream until it went away, to do anything to make it stop. Other times I dreamed weird dreams, things that made no sense; once I felt another presence in my mind, during one of those dreams, and I knew that I was asleep- but who was it? They didn't answer, just tried to soothe me. Whoever was using kin sense was very young, and didn't know what was going on, either; and I too tired and too agonized to fight it. And I swore that I could hear Sara crying, even though I knew she wasn't in the house.
I slept again. Door banged open. "Garr! I'm home!" I heard my father call, then his footsteps up the stairs. Was I still alive? I groaned and stirred, gasping at the sharp pain in my leg and arms. Yep, I was still alive.
"Garr?!" Came Dad's voice from somewhere above me, alarmed and suddenly fearful. I guessed he'd discovered my room was empty. "Garr, answer me," he spoke again, his voice slightly threatening. I most likely would if I could have, but I found that my voice was gone. I remembered a dream where my left foot had been cut off. I sighed. I had probably started screaming and didn't realize it.
Then I felt his presence in my mind. He was trying to find me with magic! Instinctively, I recoiled from his touch, trying to shield myself from it. Then suddenly he was gone from my mind and I heard his footsteps coming back down the stairs. And he walked right to the bathroom.
He gasped as he opened the door, kneeling beside me. He pulled me out of the tub- I was a little grateful, as the water had gone lukewarm and I was getting cold. I felt his panic, but he said in a calm voice, "You're not going to hide from draconic empathy by withdrawing so abruptly from it, my son."
Ooooh... I wanted to hit him.
He carefully checked first my wrist wounds, shaking his head, then my broken ankle. "Did you really have to make it so difficult to stitch?" he asked in irritation. He was faking emotion, trying not to sound bothered by what he saw. He was failing, and I think he knew it. "We need to go change your shirt, first," he told me, tugging it off. I helped as much as I could. He sighed as he tore the shirt up quickly, wrapping the strips around my arms. "Sorry. I'll get you a new one," he grunted at me when I protested weakly. Then he picked me up and took me up the stairs to my room.
He helped me into a clean, black tee shirt, one that could be buttoned up the front so he didn't have to pull it over my head. Then he left, and a few moments later returned with the first aide kit he kept, and pulled my desk chair up beside my bed. "I don't think your right arm needs stitches," he said, looking them over, "you didn't cut deep enough. Just deep enough on the left to need them, though." Then, after whispering a spell to numb my arm, he started working carefully to sew up the wound.
He was too calm about this. Dad was always so hysterical when I got hurt that he couldn't judge how bad it was himself. "You knew I'd do this," I accused.
He glanced up at me. "No," he said softly, "but I probably should have known. Hold still."
I waited until he was finished with his work and he released me before asking, "What now?"
He went into the kit for bandages. "Now I wrap your arms up and call your mother to let her know what happened," he said simply.
"No, I mean, to me."
Dad regarded me grimly for a few moments. "Nothing," he said finally. "You'll be watched. Nothing made of glass is going to stay in here. You're not getting your rings back for a very long time. I'm taking your belts and shoelaces. Try this again, and you will be admitted to the hospital." His voice was hard, but I saw pain and compassion in his eyes. "I don't want to, but I will. Don't make me, please."
~*~
From that point on, Dad or Demeter was home at all times, and if neither of them could get off their shift, Mom came over. I was checked on every half-hour; I felt like a prisoner. It was my own doing, though, I suppose.
December changed to January, and with it came the new year. They seemed to relax a bit as the days wore on; we fell into a kind of routine. On the days Dad was with me, we played chess and talked. When it was Demeter, she kept to herself, but made sure I had everything I requested; and when it was Mom, we mostly sat in companionable silence, or if not, we just goofed around. I got to hear a lot of the stories Dad had told me, but Mom had been there through the whole Dragon War, and her version of it was a lot different- Dad was less decisive, less heroic, and a whole lot more emotional, the way she told it. But I wasn't to repeat her version of the stories to him. For obvious reasons.
Alex, Anna, and Sorrow also came over quite often, accompanied by either Vanessa (who had moved into the palace, at Queen Serra's request) or Rzalyn- never them both at once. I discovered that Anna had taken quite a liking to my step-aunt, and she was currently being tutored in the teachings of Ladon, as believed by Vanessa's particular sect of Ladonism.
I also found out that Rzalyn didn't like her interaction with Vanessa one bit.
Once, Rzalyn came over alone, to see how I was keeping up with my schoolwork. I actually asked why he took such offense to Anna being around Vanessa; Rzalyn met my gaze evenly, and replied, "Not offense, Garr. Fear." He sighed. "Vanessa's denomination is a cult. It has little to do with Ladon, and a whole lot to do with personal power and gain, and nothing more. There is no spirituality to be had there."
"How do you know?" I asked, genuinely curious. I might've sounded like a devil's advocate, or perhaps defensive of her- I liked my step-aunt a lot. Maybe it was all three.
Rzalyn took it in stride, and if he was bothered by my question, he didn't show it. "I was excommunicated from the whole priesthood by the leader of that sect," he said. His voice betrayed no emotion, completely unreadable.
I fidgeted, feeling like an asshole, but I pressed: "But, if they're just a cult, why would the main church honor any decision like that? What happened that caused it?"
"The main church went along with it because Feairai Ladonism - Vanessa's sect - is a big financial contributor. Besides," he added nonchalantly, "what I'd done required excommunication, simply because I was a priest when it happened. That's common in all areas of the Ladonic church."
"But what had you done?" I insisted. I needed to know why he disliked her so much.
Rzalyn sighed. "I'm not biting your head off now because I know you're trying to understand why I dislike her so," he told me. "I was excommunicated because I took a lover," he said simply. "Vanessa told the head Priest of our order."
I blinked. "Well... that wasn't very nice..." I caught my thoughts. "Do you mind me asking who was your lo-"
"Vanessa."
I felt like I'd just stung him, like my questions were barbed intentionally. He looked at me and asked gently, "Do you understand why now?"
I nodded dumbly. "I'm sorry."
He snorted. "Don't apologize. You're Anna's friend, and-" he hesitated- "you're mine as well, you know. If I can't talk about it with a friend, who can I talk to about it?" He grinned lopsidedly at me. "And not a word about me being over twice your age, I'm acutely aware."
I blushed. "You haven't told anyone else this, have you?"
"Nope." He stretched. "I wish I had said something earlier, though. I don't feel so... torn anymore."
"Hm..." I thought for a few more moments. "Can I ask you one more question?"
Rzalyn looked at me sideways. "Ooh, I'm gonna regret this, aren't I? Shoot."
"Is Vanessa Anna's mother?"
I was expecting another round of moody explanation, but Rzalyn burst out laughing. "You snoop!" he teased, smacking me in the face with the pillow he'd been holding. "No, Vanessa's not Anna's mother. Think about that a moment, Garr- Priests, and Priestesses, are excommunicated for fornication. If Vanessa was Anna's mother, how is it that our High Priest never found out?" Rzalyn shook his head, still chuckling.
I grinned, relieved- at both Rzalyn's easy reaction to my question, and that Anna wasn't my step-cousin. That would have been too weird. It crossed my mind to ask who Anna's mother was, but I left it alone. I'd quizzed my teacher on things that weren‘t my business long enough, and besides- Anna's parentage had never been an issue before, why bring it up now? I just wanted to know if she was my cousin by marriage, that was all.
Rzalyn abruptly changed the subject to the possibility of me starting rehabilitation and learning how to walk again.
The prospect thrilled me to no end. Finally! Being able to perform basic functions without help- I couldn't wait. Rzalyn grinned at my eagerness, and informed me that my classmates missed me profoundly in ACM. Byron had been removed from the class, as per a direct order from Serra, and Anna, Alex, and Sorrow spent more time goofing off than actually doing any work anymore. It'd become a study hall, or, on some days, a recess. I also discovered that our Queen had taken an interest in my well being since the competition; she’d ordered an investigation as to why my skate broke. She also refused to judge the competition. Apparently, Rzalyn told me, if I'd finished the routine, I was going to win. I wasn't surprised- but she didn't feel that it was fair for me to be disqualified because of sabotage. So no one won. They'd hold another competition next winter, and hopefully things would run smoother then.
I felt like I'd cheated the other skaters. It wasn't fair for me to be DQ'd, no, but it wasn't fair to the others. They were damn good, and I don't think I held that much skill over some of them.
As Rzalyn was leaving, I asked him if he really meant it, that we were friends. He looked at me with eyebrows raised. "Of course we're friends! Just because I'm your teacher doesn't mean we can't be friends- just don't expect any leniency in school," he said with a wink.
"Wouldn't dream of it..."
He left, chuckling at my dry tone.
Dad and Val started working with me on physical therapy, and I discovered that I no longer knew how to walk on my left side. My right did all the things it was supposed to, but my left refused. A new feeling of helplessness swept me- Rzalyn wasn't kidding when he said that I'd learn how to walk again.
The days went by pretty quickly, however, what with exercise to strengthen my leg again, and exercise to get my foot used to moving freely again, and other such things. One day stood out clearly in my mind, though, through the business of re-learning to walk. Demeter was home- she'd been called home, because Val and Dad had a sudden emergency at the hospital that they had to attend to. Half an hour after she arrived and they left, Demeter brought a steaming bowl of... something... up to my room. She plopped it down on a lap table and then put the lap table across my legs. "Eat," she said, taking a seat next to my bed. "You've not been eating enough, and I'm not leaving until every bite of that's gone."
I considered, for a brief moment, turning it over her lap. Instead I settled for miffing at her. "It's probably poisoned with something or another," I said, chiding myself for my nasty tone. I didn't like her, she knew it, and there was no reason for me to be meam about it.
"Oh you mistrustin' child! Here." And with that, she grabbed the spoon out of the bowl and shoveled a large spoonful into her mouth. She swallowed it, and then spread her arms out in a submissive gesture. "Happy?"
"Not really," I mumbled, but I took the spoon from her and dabbed the end in the bowl, then licked the tiny bit I got off the spoon. After a moment I decided that it didn't taste as shitty as I was sure it would- it was actually quite good, and I started eating. She was right. I was so hungry, and I didn't even notice it until then.
"When's Dad getting home?" I asked coolly between bites.
"I'm not sure. He said it might be a few hours still." She set me with a look.
I dropped the spoon onto the lap tray. "Oh no you don't," I said harshly. "I am not doing that tonight, Demeter. Uh-uh, no way. I'm so not in the mood to put up with your games."
"Take it easy," she crooned. "I'm not interested in you right now. It's no fun when you can't fight back."
I repressed the urge to throw soup, bowl, spoon, and lap tray alike at her. I simply settled for a low growl and took another slurp of my soup. She didn't speak again, just watched while I ate. It made me nervous, but her gaze wasn't anticipating, or nervous, or excited- it was thoughtful. Darkly thoughtful. I finished it, even though I didn't feel much like eating anymore, just to make her go away.
There was a knock at the door; my stepmother jumped up and looked at the timepiece on my wall. "Who can that be at this time?" she wondered out loud. "All your friends are still in school and Ryu and Val- Probably Nina," she answered herself, taking the lap tray from me. "I better go get that."
She walked from the room, but paused in the doorway. "Garr."
I looked up at her.
"If," she said softly, "you had to choose between your family and your conscience, which would you choose?"
I regarded her coldly for a moment before answering. "Why are you asking? You don't have a conscience."
She flinched, as if I'd struck her. She looked away. "Stay away from Vanessa," she said in a low voice. "She's extremely dangerous, and means you more harm than I ever did."
I didn't answer. I didn't have time to, and even if I wanted to respond, I don't think she would have listened. She whisked out of my room, padding down the stairs.
This was getting interesting. I didn't know which was to turn; Anna liked Vanessa as much as I did, and Dad was amiable with her, even after the sleeping spell event. Janus liked her. Sara didn't seem to mind her at all, and neither did Queen Serra. But, what about Alex, who shied from her like the plague, or Rzalyn? What kind of woman would blow the cover off their relationship, but let him take one hundred percent of the fall for it? And now her own sister was talking trash!
I was reading too deeply into this, I realized. Conflicting personalities. That was all that was wrong. Alex and Vanessa just had conflicting personalities, Rzalyn didn't like her for obvious reasons, and Demeter... well... Demeter could have said that for any number of reasons. Maybe to make me distrust Vanessa for some reason? Who knows? I thought, and wondered what was taking so long, and was it really Mom who was here? Why would she come over now?
"-please don't," a young female voice drifted up from the stairs. "I snuck out for a reason. I'm so tired of guards following me around everywhere I go- I hope you understand, Mrs. Bateson."
"I-I-I- whatever you wish, my Lady-"
I held my breath, not even realizing it, tensing in shock as I recognize the voice. "Your Highness!" I exclaimed as Queen Serra of Wyndia stepped into my room. I know I looked like an idiot, but I couldn't help it. What the hell was the Queen doing here?
She smiled softly at me. "Well met, Garr Bateson, but, I'm not 'Your Highness' right now," she said quietly. She walked over to the edge of my bed. "Just Serra, okay?"
She held out her hand; I know I should have kissed it or something- this was the Queen!- but, dumbfounded, I just shook it. She grinned at my discomfort. "You'd think you'd never met me!" she exclaimed.
She was dressed like a commoner- not that being a commoner was bad or anything. Alex was a commoner - with loose blue slacks and a tee shirt too big for her. Her pale blonde hair was pulled back in a simple ponytail; she looked so different now than she did at court! "I don't believe I've met Serra. I've met Queen Serra, but not Serra," I said, grimacing in dismay at my sarcastic tone. Idiot!
Serra laughed.
I was surprised. I was just amazingly disrespectful to her, and she was laughing? After she'd calmed herself, she grinned at me. "Do you mind if I sit down?"
"Ah- no, please, feel free..." Forget Vanessa, I didn't know what to make of this!
She sat down next to my bed, on my desk chair, and giggled. "You're even cuter up close," she drawled, winking at me. "How're you feeling?"
I hesitated. Was I supposed to answer informally? And did she just call me "cute"? I took a deep breath and decided not to be formal, crossing my fingers figuratively. "Very, very bored," I said truthfully, "although I'm starting therapy- hopefully I'll be able to walk by March." I sighed. "Until then..."
"That fall looked painful," she said sympathetically. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I asked.
"For letting that happen," she replied. "There should have been some kind of safety precaution, a mandatory equipment check- something..." She shook her head. "I'm rambling. That jump looked spectacular- I'd like to see it in its entirety once your ankle is healed."
I forced myself to stay calm even as I felt my chest tighten. "I can't," I bit out. "My ankle's destroyed. I can't skate anymore."
"Oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to- wow, I'm bad at this friend-making business, aren't I?"
I started to tell her that she had nothing to apologize for, but I stopped. "Friend-making business?"
She blushed a deep red. "Yes. I... the only people I'm around are all are arrogant diplomats and stuffy prim retainers and crotchety old men who don't like fun," she whined. "No one my own age! I'm kinda lonely, I suppose."
Interesting... "How old are you?" I asked, unsure but curious.
Her blush deepened. "Nineteen."
"Great Ladon!" I exclaimed. "I thought you were at least in your twenties!"
"Uh-uh..."
I counted back the years in my head quickly. "That means you ascended when you were only twelve," I said in amazement.
She fidgeted. "I had no bloody clue what I was doing back then," she said with a smirk. "I still don't, either."
I chuckled. "So, what's this about making friends?" I prompted, feeling less like I was her subject and more like her equal.
She grinned at me. "Well, I just guessed that you could probably use the company as much as I could right now," she said. "I was wondering if we two could be friends."
I grabbed her hand and kissed it. "I'd be honored," I said in my flirting voice. She just giggled and blushed.
~*~
Pretty soon after that, Serra made fast friends of Alex, Anna, and Sorrow as well. She seemed to take Byron's place in our little circle, and we were grateful for it- it felt weird. Just as weird as it had been when we lost Thomas.
Byron was missing, I discovered from Serra, along with several others. She'd started a search for the missing people, but honestly didn't expect to find any of them alive. It made me kind of sad. I wanted to wreck him for what he did to me, and now I wouldn't be able to.
Halfway through March, Dad and Val gave me the okay to walk- with a crutch. It pissed me off to no end, but if I didn't have it, I wouldn't have been able to walk around on my own at all. It was then when Serra made all of us- even Alex, who was a commoner- Friends of the Court, which gave us all access to the Queen's Gardens. I discovered that the list was very short until then- Dad, Rzalyn, Circe, and most recently Vanessa and Valerie. She reserved the privilege for those she trusted the most- I was flattered quite a bit.
We all started hanging out there, instead of our usual places: we were spoiled rotten at the palace, and we loved every minute of it. Of course, we'd still go to our old hangouts, but we had to go without Serra, as she couldn't get away with sneaking out like she did when she came to see me that first time. Not often, but sometimes, when we opted to goof off someplace other than the Palace, Serra'd send a palace worker to get us. It was the only time she ever ordered us to do anything, this being a summons back to the palace. Those were generally the days when she was feeling especially isolated. Or especially irritated at the adults of the court.
One such day, we were summoned back by a herald who seemed quite beside himself. I'd known that Dad had an audience with Serra that afternoon, and when Serra's messenger was in a tizzy, it generally meant she was irritated with someone. I wondered why as we made our way back to the Palace, and to the Gardens. The herald left us, only to return a few more moments later.
"My apologies, young masters," he said, "but th'Queen will be a bit longer- she and Sir Bateson are still, ah, debating." Debating. The politically correct term for "arguing." We all exchanged looks and made ourselves comfortable.
When she finally did emerge into the courtyard, she was fuming. She shook a finger at me as she approached. "Your father," she vented, "is the most unreasonable and aggravating man on the planet."
I chuckled, wondering what the issue had been. "Be thankful you don't live with him," I said coyly, taking a sip of my wine- that was another high point of being Friends of the Court. No one complained if any of us drank alcohol.
Serra settled down with us, and we began chatting about nothing at all, interrupting, making fun, and being complete asses to each other. After about fifteen minutes of this, Serra finally grinned and held up her hands, motioning for silence. "I have an idea!" she said, then dropped her hands back into her lap. "Who wants to play truth or dare?"
Alex and I both dissented loudly, but Anna and Sorrow were all for it. "Let's play it without them," Anna suggested. Serra shook her head sadly.
"Uh-uh. I don't want to leave them out. Even if they are being uptight pricks."
"Damn straight," Alex grunted, taking a swig of ale.
Serra stuck her tongue out at him, and then thought for a moment longer. "How about truth or dare without the dare?"
I perked. "What do you mean?"
She chewed on her bottom lip. "Like... darkest secrets. Nothing that's said leaves here," she said quickly, "and no one makes any judgments."
"This should be interesting," Alex chuckled. "I'm quite interested in the Queen's darkest secret!"
She looked at him, surprised. "But I don't have any dark secrets!" she exclaimed.
"Ah. So... what? You were going to have us all talk and not you? C'mon now, Serra!" He grinned at her. "This is your game, so you go first."
Serra sighed, knowing she wasn't going to get out of it. She thought for a moment, then spoke: "I have Dragon blood in me."
We looked at each other, wondering why this was such a dark thing. "It's the reason Dragnier has such a problem with me," she explained in exasperation. "Because I'm a Dragon, yet refuse to abide by their 'rules'."
I knew a little bit about the politics of Dragnier from Dad. "How much Dragon?" I asked. "Because if you're only like, a quarter or something, they really shouldn't have a problem with it. It's only half and up, because at half you can still transform."
She shook her head. "I don't know," she said softly. “I must be at least half, then, because I can transform and use Draconic empathy. I’ve never met my parents, though, so I don't know what percentage of me is Dragon."
"What about Areloas?" Anna asked. No one referred to him as "King" anymore. Not even Serra. The feelings of discontentment had been too strong when he lived, and now everyone would just rather forget that he ever did live.
"Adopted," Serra responded quietly.
So that was the dark secret. Not that she was a Dragon.
For a moment I thought there'd be an awkward silence, then we'd decide this was just too heavy and stop, but Anna cleared her throat. "I know how you feel, sorta... I've never met my mother."
Wordlessly, Alex wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her. "Really?" Serra asked.
Anna shook her head. "Nope. I don't even know who she was, what her name was, her race... well, I know she was neither Dragon nor Woren," Anna amended. "That much is obvious. I guess either human or Faeish, but Papa refuses to answer any of my questions about her." She leaned against Alex, not looking particularly upset, but a little disturbed, maybe. "Your turn, love," Anna prompted him.
Alex looked down at her. "Why my turn?"
"'Cause you're next in the circle, then Garr, then Sorrow."
Alex sighed and finished his ale. "Thank the gods I'm buzzed for this," he muttered, then set down his mug, and said, very blankly, "I'm a murderer."
Anna's jaw dropped, but she made no move to pull away; instead, she returned his embrace a little harder. Sorrow gasped in surprise- Alex? Golden Boy Alex? Do-No-Wrong Alex? Mr. Morals Alex? No way! I figured that was probably what she was thinking. Serra and I just looked at him: my gaze questioning, hers unreadable. For a moment I thought Alex might be referring to Thomas, but it was no secret that Thom had shot himself with Alex's weapon. He couldn't have been talking about that.
"Remember baby Stefani, two years ago?" Alex said softly. I remembered it vaguely; a toddler, Stefani, had been molested and strangled to death. The man who was accused of doing it had never been found, even though Serra still had a bounty out for him.
Alex took a deep breath as Serra replied: "How can I forget? I... I saw her body," she choked, and then regained her composure.
"I knew the man who did it," Alex continued, "and I read the flyer demanding his surrender, or for someone to turn him over. And, on the flyer, it described what had been done to her. I liked him," he said plainly. "I counted him as my friend. But I knew the baby's family, too, and the moment I read what had been done, I... I knew that he was guilty. So I killed him," he finished flatly, simply. I searched his face and eyes, trying to tell what he was feeling; I only found what I knew he was not. There was no sadness, no regret, and no remorse. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was completely apathetic about it. But I knew he wasn't. His comment about being drunk before he'd said it proved that he felt something.
"Good," Serra muttered. "I was going to kill the fucker myself when he was caught- you were probably more merciful that I would have been, anyway."
"I doubt that, my Queen," he said with a smirk.
She returned his tight smile. "Try me. The man would have been insane by the time I was through with him." She looked at me. "Your turn, Garr."
I suddenly felt very small. "How about second darkest?" I asked, intending to admit that I was bisexual. Alex suddenly looked alarmed, and he agreed with me.
"No," Anna said calmly. "I think he should give his darkest. The three of us did, and- Alex, yours would have been damning in anyone else's eyes, but not only do none of us really care, you got support about it," she said pointedly, directly at me. "Serra basically told you that you'd done a good thing," she added, speaking to Alex again. "Who's to say that Garr's secret won't be just as accepted?"
Serra eyed the three of us. "You two know it, don't you?" They both nodded. Serra snorted. "Well, it's hardly a secret then, and I'd almost rather hear what ranks second, if not for the fact that you two are making such a fuss over it." She looked at me curiously.
I glanced at Sorrow. She was just looking at me expectantly. I looked back to Alex and Anna; Alex met my gaze sympathetically, but Anna nodded to me. I sighed, and hugged my knees to my chest. "I lost my virginity to my stepmother," I mumbled, feeling unnatural and unreal. It was made worse by the fact that I'd gotten the awkward silence I was expecting at the beginning, when Serra told us she was adopted and didn't know who her real parents were.
It couldn't have been longer than a minute, but it felt like an eternity. Alex reached over and squeezed my shoulder comfortingly and Anna murmured a word of praise, that I'd done it; Sorrow entangled her hand in mine and hugged me. Serra was the first to speak. "I don't believe it," she said softly, venomously.
"We agreed there'd be no judging," Alex reminded her.
Serra shook her head. "I'm sorry, I can't help it. But it's not him I judge. Gods! I'm so sorry, Garr, I can't imagine- Gods!" she exclaimed again in disgust.
"Nothing said leaves here," I reminded everyone in a rasping voice. I was fighting tears, although it was mostly from relief. No one had blamed me for it.
My companions agreed, with varying levels of acceptance: Alex and Anna the most ready to uphold the condition we'd set before we started, then Serra, who agreed only because it had been her own rule. Then Sorrow, who did so grudgingly, and only after I set her with a pleading look.
"Sorrow's turn," Alex said, and I was grateful to him for redirecting everyone’s attention off of me.
Sorrow blinked and sat up straight. "Now that I think of it," she said, "I don't think I have any dark secrets."
"None at all?" Anna replied, teasing.
"Well, I have secrets, but none can be considered 'dark' by a long shot," she clarified dubiously.
Alex grinned. "Then how about the most amusing?" he asked, winking at her.
She giggled. "Most amusing?... I guess that would be that I'm afraid of the dark."
I started laughing. I couldn't help it. After the heavy burdens us four had just set in view, that Sorrow had to choose to admit that she was afraid of the dark- oh, how poetically ironic! I wasn't the only one laughing, although it wasn't mean laughter, she still turned a healthy shade of red.
"You're going to have to do a little better than that," Serra giggled. "Almost everyone's afraid of the dark at some point in their lives."
Sorrow miffed. "How about that I'm still a virgin then?" she sassed back.
I issued a vulgar exclamation of disbelief in Draconic. "You and Alan from Music Theory were all over each other last year! You aren't going to tell me that you didn't-"
"Yes, I am," she cut me off calmly. "Alan was a crush. I didn't love him. I want to be sure of it when I do decide to do that with someone."
"Waiting's overrated," Alex said dryly.
Sorrow shot a withering glare at him (as did Anna, but hers was less, "You asshole" and more "You're not getting laid tonight"). "In any case, that's why we broke up. He was pressuring me, and I didn't want to. It finally came down to 'Do it or lose me.' And I told him that if he was that desperate, Rosie Palm and her five friends should be happy to oblige him-" I giggled, not being able to imagine Sorrow using such crude slang- "and that I wasn't losing anything. He was."
"Can't blame him for trying, though," Alex said flirtatiously. Anna smacked him across the chest and glared up at him again. "Jealousy is so sexy on you," he drawled sweetly, his grin broadening. He dodged a light slap to the cheek and caught her hand, bending over to kiss her lightly on the lips.
She seemed to melt and immediately forgot that she was annoyed with him, and went back to snuggling against his chest. "How'd you do that?" I asked in amazement.
"Natural seductive prowess," he replied, cocky, and Anna pinched him for it. "Ow!"
"Um, this topic isn't bothering you, is it, Garr?" Serra asked in concern. I looked at her, confused momentarily, but then I understood her meaning.
"Uh, no," I said, grinning lopsidedly. "You don't know me very well, do ya? I'm just as perverted as him," I said, nodding to Alex.
"I am not perverted!" he exclaimed, defensively.
"Yes, you are!" Anna, Sorrow and I all said at the same time. And then we broke out in laughter. Gods, we spent way too much time around each other.
Story: Pure Again
Summary: Very Bad Things happen when rogue demigods try to reverse time.
Warning: references to sexual abuse
Graphic depiction of self-harm
From the Eyes of the Son
It was like a bad dream. A very, very bad dream.
In the first few days, I'd convinced myself that I was actually asleep, my mind was going through its fears about the competition, and I'd be fine when I woke. I intentionally smacked my right foot against my left, several times, to try to induce enough pain to wake me. It never worked.
My friends spent as much time as they could with me, but they all had school. On the days when it was Dad Sara, and I it wasn't so bad. But when Dad was working and Demeter was home, it was horrible- and when they both were working, it was almost unbearable. Those days I would have even welcomed Demeter's company, and I would have even put up with her mind games without much complaint. It was something to do, at the very least.
I got caught up entirely with my schoolwork, and read every book I owned, and read half of Dad's library- and even half is no quick task. I was eventually left with absolutely nothing to do, and I still couldn't walk.
Left with nothing to keep me company during the days but my thoughts, I considered - for the first time ever- killing myself. I couldn't live like this. I turned over many, many methods of suicide in my head, figuring out how painful each would be, how long it would take to kill me, and how much worse it would make my situation of idleness if I didn't succeed. I eventually decided to slash my wrists.
To do this, I had to get out of bed, get my rings, and get to the bathroom. I was the only one home that day- both Dad and Demi were at work, and as I was incapacitated, Mom had agreed to watch Sara whenever both the adults had to work. Getting out of bed wasn't that hard. I just sat over the edge of it and scooted off onto the floor. I pulled myself up onto my knees, wincing at the sharp pain lancing up my left leg.
I managed to pull myself up high enough to get my rings, then- carefully, so I wouldn't cut myself, I started crawling down the hallway to the stairs.
Halfway down the stairs, I was sweating profusely, couldn't catch my breath, and could barely move my broken leg. I was dazed from the pain, and I was starting to regret doing this. But I wouldn't turn back. I was determined, and besides- there was no way for me to get back up the stairs, let alone back in bed.
It took me a good hour to get from my room to the bathroom, and when I finally managed to get inside and kick the door shut - with the wrong foot, I discovered to my painful horror- I collapsed onto the floor, gasping. Fighting to get my wits back, I glanced up at the window; I judged by the light filtering in that it was early afternoon. Dad would be home- he had to be, to check on me and pick Janus up from school- at about four... That meant that I had three hours to die, tops, maybe less.
I dragged myself over to the bathtub and started the water running as hot as I could get it. I felt a little pang of regret that it had to be this way- Dad said that things as simple as bathtubs with hot water and telephones didn't exist when he was my age, let alone the kinds of weapons we had around, or computers or medical equipment. It seemed that technology was advancing really fast, and I wanted to see what kinds of things would come in the future. But I wasn't going to. That made me sad.
Then there was Janus... I felt like I was abandoning him. And Sara, too.
And Sorrow... I pushed such thoughts out of my head determinedly. I'd just nearly convinced myself not to go through with it. Quickly, before I had time to think of anything else I would miss dearly, I slashed down my wrist, next to the scar I already bore on that arm. Then I drew the ring across the first cut, starting at my forearm, and making little ladder rungs all the way down to my wrist. And then I did the same for my other arm.
I knew it probably should have hurt like hell, but my ankle was throbbing painfully, and I felt numb and detached. I let the wounds bleed on their own for a few moments, grinning viscously at my handiwork. I felt a kind of sick pride at it. Then, holding my breath, I plunged my arms into the bath water.
I felt it then. I cried out as the water burned my hands and the uninjured part of my arms, and had to resist the reflexive urge to pull away. I held myself there, kneeling over the bathtub, letting the water burn me and hopefully quicken the bleeding.
After a while, it hurt less, and I was so tired. I drifted in and out of consciousness. Sometimes I felt how much pain I was in, felt the urge to scream until it went away, to do anything to make it stop. Other times I dreamed weird dreams, things that made no sense; once I felt another presence in my mind, during one of those dreams, and I knew that I was asleep- but who was it? They didn't answer, just tried to soothe me. Whoever was using kin sense was very young, and didn't know what was going on, either; and I too tired and too agonized to fight it. And I swore that I could hear Sara crying, even though I knew she wasn't in the house.
I slept again. Door banged open. "Garr! I'm home!" I heard my father call, then his footsteps up the stairs. Was I still alive? I groaned and stirred, gasping at the sharp pain in my leg and arms. Yep, I was still alive.
"Garr?!" Came Dad's voice from somewhere above me, alarmed and suddenly fearful. I guessed he'd discovered my room was empty. "Garr, answer me," he spoke again, his voice slightly threatening. I most likely would if I could have, but I found that my voice was gone. I remembered a dream where my left foot had been cut off. I sighed. I had probably started screaming and didn't realize it.
Then I felt his presence in my mind. He was trying to find me with magic! Instinctively, I recoiled from his touch, trying to shield myself from it. Then suddenly he was gone from my mind and I heard his footsteps coming back down the stairs. And he walked right to the bathroom.
He gasped as he opened the door, kneeling beside me. He pulled me out of the tub- I was a little grateful, as the water had gone lukewarm and I was getting cold. I felt his panic, but he said in a calm voice, "You're not going to hide from draconic empathy by withdrawing so abruptly from it, my son."
Ooooh... I wanted to hit him.
He carefully checked first my wrist wounds, shaking his head, then my broken ankle. "Did you really have to make it so difficult to stitch?" he asked in irritation. He was faking emotion, trying not to sound bothered by what he saw. He was failing, and I think he knew it. "We need to go change your shirt, first," he told me, tugging it off. I helped as much as I could. He sighed as he tore the shirt up quickly, wrapping the strips around my arms. "Sorry. I'll get you a new one," he grunted at me when I protested weakly. Then he picked me up and took me up the stairs to my room.
He helped me into a clean, black tee shirt, one that could be buttoned up the front so he didn't have to pull it over my head. Then he left, and a few moments later returned with the first aide kit he kept, and pulled my desk chair up beside my bed. "I don't think your right arm needs stitches," he said, looking them over, "you didn't cut deep enough. Just deep enough on the left to need them, though." Then, after whispering a spell to numb my arm, he started working carefully to sew up the wound.
He was too calm about this. Dad was always so hysterical when I got hurt that he couldn't judge how bad it was himself. "You knew I'd do this," I accused.
He glanced up at me. "No," he said softly, "but I probably should have known. Hold still."
I waited until he was finished with his work and he released me before asking, "What now?"
He went into the kit for bandages. "Now I wrap your arms up and call your mother to let her know what happened," he said simply.
"No, I mean, to me."
Dad regarded me grimly for a few moments. "Nothing," he said finally. "You'll be watched. Nothing made of glass is going to stay in here. You're not getting your rings back for a very long time. I'm taking your belts and shoelaces. Try this again, and you will be admitted to the hospital." His voice was hard, but I saw pain and compassion in his eyes. "I don't want to, but I will. Don't make me, please."
~*~
From that point on, Dad or Demeter was home at all times, and if neither of them could get off their shift, Mom came over. I was checked on every half-hour; I felt like a prisoner. It was my own doing, though, I suppose.
December changed to January, and with it came the new year. They seemed to relax a bit as the days wore on; we fell into a kind of routine. On the days Dad was with me, we played chess and talked. When it was Demeter, she kept to herself, but made sure I had everything I requested; and when it was Mom, we mostly sat in companionable silence, or if not, we just goofed around. I got to hear a lot of the stories Dad had told me, but Mom had been there through the whole Dragon War, and her version of it was a lot different- Dad was less decisive, less heroic, and a whole lot more emotional, the way she told it. But I wasn't to repeat her version of the stories to him. For obvious reasons.
Alex, Anna, and Sorrow also came over quite often, accompanied by either Vanessa (who had moved into the palace, at Queen Serra's request) or Rzalyn- never them both at once. I discovered that Anna had taken quite a liking to my step-aunt, and she was currently being tutored in the teachings of Ladon, as believed by Vanessa's particular sect of Ladonism.
I also found out that Rzalyn didn't like her interaction with Vanessa one bit.
Once, Rzalyn came over alone, to see how I was keeping up with my schoolwork. I actually asked why he took such offense to Anna being around Vanessa; Rzalyn met my gaze evenly, and replied, "Not offense, Garr. Fear." He sighed. "Vanessa's denomination is a cult. It has little to do with Ladon, and a whole lot to do with personal power and gain, and nothing more. There is no spirituality to be had there."
"How do you know?" I asked, genuinely curious. I might've sounded like a devil's advocate, or perhaps defensive of her- I liked my step-aunt a lot. Maybe it was all three.
Rzalyn took it in stride, and if he was bothered by my question, he didn't show it. "I was excommunicated from the whole priesthood by the leader of that sect," he said. His voice betrayed no emotion, completely unreadable.
I fidgeted, feeling like an asshole, but I pressed: "But, if they're just a cult, why would the main church honor any decision like that? What happened that caused it?"
"The main church went along with it because Feairai Ladonism - Vanessa's sect - is a big financial contributor. Besides," he added nonchalantly, "what I'd done required excommunication, simply because I was a priest when it happened. That's common in all areas of the Ladonic church."
"But what had you done?" I insisted. I needed to know why he disliked her so much.
Rzalyn sighed. "I'm not biting your head off now because I know you're trying to understand why I dislike her so," he told me. "I was excommunicated because I took a lover," he said simply. "Vanessa told the head Priest of our order."
I blinked. "Well... that wasn't very nice..." I caught my thoughts. "Do you mind me asking who was your lo-"
"Vanessa."
I felt like I'd just stung him, like my questions were barbed intentionally. He looked at me and asked gently, "Do you understand why now?"
I nodded dumbly. "I'm sorry."
He snorted. "Don't apologize. You're Anna's friend, and-" he hesitated- "you're mine as well, you know. If I can't talk about it with a friend, who can I talk to about it?" He grinned lopsidedly at me. "And not a word about me being over twice your age, I'm acutely aware."
I blushed. "You haven't told anyone else this, have you?"
"Nope." He stretched. "I wish I had said something earlier, though. I don't feel so... torn anymore."
"Hm..." I thought for a few more moments. "Can I ask you one more question?"
Rzalyn looked at me sideways. "Ooh, I'm gonna regret this, aren't I? Shoot."
"Is Vanessa Anna's mother?"
I was expecting another round of moody explanation, but Rzalyn burst out laughing. "You snoop!" he teased, smacking me in the face with the pillow he'd been holding. "No, Vanessa's not Anna's mother. Think about that a moment, Garr- Priests, and Priestesses, are excommunicated for fornication. If Vanessa was Anna's mother, how is it that our High Priest never found out?" Rzalyn shook his head, still chuckling.
I grinned, relieved- at both Rzalyn's easy reaction to my question, and that Anna wasn't my step-cousin. That would have been too weird. It crossed my mind to ask who Anna's mother was, but I left it alone. I'd quizzed my teacher on things that weren‘t my business long enough, and besides- Anna's parentage had never been an issue before, why bring it up now? I just wanted to know if she was my cousin by marriage, that was all.
Rzalyn abruptly changed the subject to the possibility of me starting rehabilitation and learning how to walk again.
The prospect thrilled me to no end. Finally! Being able to perform basic functions without help- I couldn't wait. Rzalyn grinned at my eagerness, and informed me that my classmates missed me profoundly in ACM. Byron had been removed from the class, as per a direct order from Serra, and Anna, Alex, and Sorrow spent more time goofing off than actually doing any work anymore. It'd become a study hall, or, on some days, a recess. I also discovered that our Queen had taken an interest in my well being since the competition; she’d ordered an investigation as to why my skate broke. She also refused to judge the competition. Apparently, Rzalyn told me, if I'd finished the routine, I was going to win. I wasn't surprised- but she didn't feel that it was fair for me to be disqualified because of sabotage. So no one won. They'd hold another competition next winter, and hopefully things would run smoother then.
I felt like I'd cheated the other skaters. It wasn't fair for me to be DQ'd, no, but it wasn't fair to the others. They were damn good, and I don't think I held that much skill over some of them.
As Rzalyn was leaving, I asked him if he really meant it, that we were friends. He looked at me with eyebrows raised. "Of course we're friends! Just because I'm your teacher doesn't mean we can't be friends- just don't expect any leniency in school," he said with a wink.
"Wouldn't dream of it..."
He left, chuckling at my dry tone.
Dad and Val started working with me on physical therapy, and I discovered that I no longer knew how to walk on my left side. My right did all the things it was supposed to, but my left refused. A new feeling of helplessness swept me- Rzalyn wasn't kidding when he said that I'd learn how to walk again.
The days went by pretty quickly, however, what with exercise to strengthen my leg again, and exercise to get my foot used to moving freely again, and other such things. One day stood out clearly in my mind, though, through the business of re-learning to walk. Demeter was home- she'd been called home, because Val and Dad had a sudden emergency at the hospital that they had to attend to. Half an hour after she arrived and they left, Demeter brought a steaming bowl of... something... up to my room. She plopped it down on a lap table and then put the lap table across my legs. "Eat," she said, taking a seat next to my bed. "You've not been eating enough, and I'm not leaving until every bite of that's gone."
I considered, for a brief moment, turning it over her lap. Instead I settled for miffing at her. "It's probably poisoned with something or another," I said, chiding myself for my nasty tone. I didn't like her, she knew it, and there was no reason for me to be meam about it.
"Oh you mistrustin' child! Here." And with that, she grabbed the spoon out of the bowl and shoveled a large spoonful into her mouth. She swallowed it, and then spread her arms out in a submissive gesture. "Happy?"
"Not really," I mumbled, but I took the spoon from her and dabbed the end in the bowl, then licked the tiny bit I got off the spoon. After a moment I decided that it didn't taste as shitty as I was sure it would- it was actually quite good, and I started eating. She was right. I was so hungry, and I didn't even notice it until then.
"When's Dad getting home?" I asked coolly between bites.
"I'm not sure. He said it might be a few hours still." She set me with a look.
I dropped the spoon onto the lap tray. "Oh no you don't," I said harshly. "I am not doing that tonight, Demeter. Uh-uh, no way. I'm so not in the mood to put up with your games."
"Take it easy," she crooned. "I'm not interested in you right now. It's no fun when you can't fight back."
I repressed the urge to throw soup, bowl, spoon, and lap tray alike at her. I simply settled for a low growl and took another slurp of my soup. She didn't speak again, just watched while I ate. It made me nervous, but her gaze wasn't anticipating, or nervous, or excited- it was thoughtful. Darkly thoughtful. I finished it, even though I didn't feel much like eating anymore, just to make her go away.
There was a knock at the door; my stepmother jumped up and looked at the timepiece on my wall. "Who can that be at this time?" she wondered out loud. "All your friends are still in school and Ryu and Val- Probably Nina," she answered herself, taking the lap tray from me. "I better go get that."
She walked from the room, but paused in the doorway. "Garr."
I looked up at her.
"If," she said softly, "you had to choose between your family and your conscience, which would you choose?"
I regarded her coldly for a moment before answering. "Why are you asking? You don't have a conscience."
She flinched, as if I'd struck her. She looked away. "Stay away from Vanessa," she said in a low voice. "She's extremely dangerous, and means you more harm than I ever did."
I didn't answer. I didn't have time to, and even if I wanted to respond, I don't think she would have listened. She whisked out of my room, padding down the stairs.
This was getting interesting. I didn't know which was to turn; Anna liked Vanessa as much as I did, and Dad was amiable with her, even after the sleeping spell event. Janus liked her. Sara didn't seem to mind her at all, and neither did Queen Serra. But, what about Alex, who shied from her like the plague, or Rzalyn? What kind of woman would blow the cover off their relationship, but let him take one hundred percent of the fall for it? And now her own sister was talking trash!
I was reading too deeply into this, I realized. Conflicting personalities. That was all that was wrong. Alex and Vanessa just had conflicting personalities, Rzalyn didn't like her for obvious reasons, and Demeter... well... Demeter could have said that for any number of reasons. Maybe to make me distrust Vanessa for some reason? Who knows? I thought, and wondered what was taking so long, and was it really Mom who was here? Why would she come over now?
"-please don't," a young female voice drifted up from the stairs. "I snuck out for a reason. I'm so tired of guards following me around everywhere I go- I hope you understand, Mrs. Bateson."
"I-I-I- whatever you wish, my Lady-"
I held my breath, not even realizing it, tensing in shock as I recognize the voice. "Your Highness!" I exclaimed as Queen Serra of Wyndia stepped into my room. I know I looked like an idiot, but I couldn't help it. What the hell was the Queen doing here?
She smiled softly at me. "Well met, Garr Bateson, but, I'm not 'Your Highness' right now," she said quietly. She walked over to the edge of my bed. "Just Serra, okay?"
She held out her hand; I know I should have kissed it or something- this was the Queen!- but, dumbfounded, I just shook it. She grinned at my discomfort. "You'd think you'd never met me!" she exclaimed.
She was dressed like a commoner- not that being a commoner was bad or anything. Alex was a commoner - with loose blue slacks and a tee shirt too big for her. Her pale blonde hair was pulled back in a simple ponytail; she looked so different now than she did at court! "I don't believe I've met Serra. I've met Queen Serra, but not Serra," I said, grimacing in dismay at my sarcastic tone. Idiot!
Serra laughed.
I was surprised. I was just amazingly disrespectful to her, and she was laughing? After she'd calmed herself, she grinned at me. "Do you mind if I sit down?"
"Ah- no, please, feel free..." Forget Vanessa, I didn't know what to make of this!
She sat down next to my bed, on my desk chair, and giggled. "You're even cuter up close," she drawled, winking at me. "How're you feeling?"
I hesitated. Was I supposed to answer informally? And did she just call me "cute"? I took a deep breath and decided not to be formal, crossing my fingers figuratively. "Very, very bored," I said truthfully, "although I'm starting therapy- hopefully I'll be able to walk by March." I sighed. "Until then..."
"That fall looked painful," she said sympathetically. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I asked.
"For letting that happen," she replied. "There should have been some kind of safety precaution, a mandatory equipment check- something..." She shook her head. "I'm rambling. That jump looked spectacular- I'd like to see it in its entirety once your ankle is healed."
I forced myself to stay calm even as I felt my chest tighten. "I can't," I bit out. "My ankle's destroyed. I can't skate anymore."
"Oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to- wow, I'm bad at this friend-making business, aren't I?"
I started to tell her that she had nothing to apologize for, but I stopped. "Friend-making business?"
She blushed a deep red. "Yes. I... the only people I'm around are all are arrogant diplomats and stuffy prim retainers and crotchety old men who don't like fun," she whined. "No one my own age! I'm kinda lonely, I suppose."
Interesting... "How old are you?" I asked, unsure but curious.
Her blush deepened. "Nineteen."
"Great Ladon!" I exclaimed. "I thought you were at least in your twenties!"
"Uh-uh..."
I counted back the years in my head quickly. "That means you ascended when you were only twelve," I said in amazement.
She fidgeted. "I had no bloody clue what I was doing back then," she said with a smirk. "I still don't, either."
I chuckled. "So, what's this about making friends?" I prompted, feeling less like I was her subject and more like her equal.
She grinned at me. "Well, I just guessed that you could probably use the company as much as I could right now," she said. "I was wondering if we two could be friends."
I grabbed her hand and kissed it. "I'd be honored," I said in my flirting voice. She just giggled and blushed.
~*~
Pretty soon after that, Serra made fast friends of Alex, Anna, and Sorrow as well. She seemed to take Byron's place in our little circle, and we were grateful for it- it felt weird. Just as weird as it had been when we lost Thomas.
Byron was missing, I discovered from Serra, along with several others. She'd started a search for the missing people, but honestly didn't expect to find any of them alive. It made me kind of sad. I wanted to wreck him for what he did to me, and now I wouldn't be able to.
Halfway through March, Dad and Val gave me the okay to walk- with a crutch. It pissed me off to no end, but if I didn't have it, I wouldn't have been able to walk around on my own at all. It was then when Serra made all of us- even Alex, who was a commoner- Friends of the Court, which gave us all access to the Queen's Gardens. I discovered that the list was very short until then- Dad, Rzalyn, Circe, and most recently Vanessa and Valerie. She reserved the privilege for those she trusted the most- I was flattered quite a bit.
We all started hanging out there, instead of our usual places: we were spoiled rotten at the palace, and we loved every minute of it. Of course, we'd still go to our old hangouts, but we had to go without Serra, as she couldn't get away with sneaking out like she did when she came to see me that first time. Not often, but sometimes, when we opted to goof off someplace other than the Palace, Serra'd send a palace worker to get us. It was the only time she ever ordered us to do anything, this being a summons back to the palace. Those were generally the days when she was feeling especially isolated. Or especially irritated at the adults of the court.
One such day, we were summoned back by a herald who seemed quite beside himself. I'd known that Dad had an audience with Serra that afternoon, and when Serra's messenger was in a tizzy, it generally meant she was irritated with someone. I wondered why as we made our way back to the Palace, and to the Gardens. The herald left us, only to return a few more moments later.
"My apologies, young masters," he said, "but th'Queen will be a bit longer- she and Sir Bateson are still, ah, debating." Debating. The politically correct term for "arguing." We all exchanged looks and made ourselves comfortable.
When she finally did emerge into the courtyard, she was fuming. She shook a finger at me as she approached. "Your father," she vented, "is the most unreasonable and aggravating man on the planet."
I chuckled, wondering what the issue had been. "Be thankful you don't live with him," I said coyly, taking a sip of my wine- that was another high point of being Friends of the Court. No one complained if any of us drank alcohol.
Serra settled down with us, and we began chatting about nothing at all, interrupting, making fun, and being complete asses to each other. After about fifteen minutes of this, Serra finally grinned and held up her hands, motioning for silence. "I have an idea!" she said, then dropped her hands back into her lap. "Who wants to play truth or dare?"
Alex and I both dissented loudly, but Anna and Sorrow were all for it. "Let's play it without them," Anna suggested. Serra shook her head sadly.
"Uh-uh. I don't want to leave them out. Even if they are being uptight pricks."
"Damn straight," Alex grunted, taking a swig of ale.
Serra stuck her tongue out at him, and then thought for a moment longer. "How about truth or dare without the dare?"
I perked. "What do you mean?"
She chewed on her bottom lip. "Like... darkest secrets. Nothing that's said leaves here," she said quickly, "and no one makes any judgments."
"This should be interesting," Alex chuckled. "I'm quite interested in the Queen's darkest secret!"
She looked at him, surprised. "But I don't have any dark secrets!" she exclaimed.
"Ah. So... what? You were going to have us all talk and not you? C'mon now, Serra!" He grinned at her. "This is your game, so you go first."
Serra sighed, knowing she wasn't going to get out of it. She thought for a moment, then spoke: "I have Dragon blood in me."
We looked at each other, wondering why this was such a dark thing. "It's the reason Dragnier has such a problem with me," she explained in exasperation. "Because I'm a Dragon, yet refuse to abide by their 'rules'."
I knew a little bit about the politics of Dragnier from Dad. "How much Dragon?" I asked. "Because if you're only like, a quarter or something, they really shouldn't have a problem with it. It's only half and up, because at half you can still transform."
She shook her head. "I don't know," she said softly. “I must be at least half, then, because I can transform and use Draconic empathy. I’ve never met my parents, though, so I don't know what percentage of me is Dragon."
"What about Areloas?" Anna asked. No one referred to him as "King" anymore. Not even Serra. The feelings of discontentment had been too strong when he lived, and now everyone would just rather forget that he ever did live.
"Adopted," Serra responded quietly.
So that was the dark secret. Not that she was a Dragon.
For a moment I thought there'd be an awkward silence, then we'd decide this was just too heavy and stop, but Anna cleared her throat. "I know how you feel, sorta... I've never met my mother."
Wordlessly, Alex wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her. "Really?" Serra asked.
Anna shook her head. "Nope. I don't even know who she was, what her name was, her race... well, I know she was neither Dragon nor Woren," Anna amended. "That much is obvious. I guess either human or Faeish, but Papa refuses to answer any of my questions about her." She leaned against Alex, not looking particularly upset, but a little disturbed, maybe. "Your turn, love," Anna prompted him.
Alex looked down at her. "Why my turn?"
"'Cause you're next in the circle, then Garr, then Sorrow."
Alex sighed and finished his ale. "Thank the gods I'm buzzed for this," he muttered, then set down his mug, and said, very blankly, "I'm a murderer."
Anna's jaw dropped, but she made no move to pull away; instead, she returned his embrace a little harder. Sorrow gasped in surprise- Alex? Golden Boy Alex? Do-No-Wrong Alex? Mr. Morals Alex? No way! I figured that was probably what she was thinking. Serra and I just looked at him: my gaze questioning, hers unreadable. For a moment I thought Alex might be referring to Thomas, but it was no secret that Thom had shot himself with Alex's weapon. He couldn't have been talking about that.
"Remember baby Stefani, two years ago?" Alex said softly. I remembered it vaguely; a toddler, Stefani, had been molested and strangled to death. The man who was accused of doing it had never been found, even though Serra still had a bounty out for him.
Alex took a deep breath as Serra replied: "How can I forget? I... I saw her body," she choked, and then regained her composure.
"I knew the man who did it," Alex continued, "and I read the flyer demanding his surrender, or for someone to turn him over. And, on the flyer, it described what had been done to her. I liked him," he said plainly. "I counted him as my friend. But I knew the baby's family, too, and the moment I read what had been done, I... I knew that he was guilty. So I killed him," he finished flatly, simply. I searched his face and eyes, trying to tell what he was feeling; I only found what I knew he was not. There was no sadness, no regret, and no remorse. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was completely apathetic about it. But I knew he wasn't. His comment about being drunk before he'd said it proved that he felt something.
"Good," Serra muttered. "I was going to kill the fucker myself when he was caught- you were probably more merciful that I would have been, anyway."
"I doubt that, my Queen," he said with a smirk.
She returned his tight smile. "Try me. The man would have been insane by the time I was through with him." She looked at me. "Your turn, Garr."
I suddenly felt very small. "How about second darkest?" I asked, intending to admit that I was bisexual. Alex suddenly looked alarmed, and he agreed with me.
"No," Anna said calmly. "I think he should give his darkest. The three of us did, and- Alex, yours would have been damning in anyone else's eyes, but not only do none of us really care, you got support about it," she said pointedly, directly at me. "Serra basically told you that you'd done a good thing," she added, speaking to Alex again. "Who's to say that Garr's secret won't be just as accepted?"
Serra eyed the three of us. "You two know it, don't you?" They both nodded. Serra snorted. "Well, it's hardly a secret then, and I'd almost rather hear what ranks second, if not for the fact that you two are making such a fuss over it." She looked at me curiously.
I glanced at Sorrow. She was just looking at me expectantly. I looked back to Alex and Anna; Alex met my gaze sympathetically, but Anna nodded to me. I sighed, and hugged my knees to my chest. "I lost my virginity to my stepmother," I mumbled, feeling unnatural and unreal. It was made worse by the fact that I'd gotten the awkward silence I was expecting at the beginning, when Serra told us she was adopted and didn't know who her real parents were.
It couldn't have been longer than a minute, but it felt like an eternity. Alex reached over and squeezed my shoulder comfortingly and Anna murmured a word of praise, that I'd done it; Sorrow entangled her hand in mine and hugged me. Serra was the first to speak. "I don't believe it," she said softly, venomously.
"We agreed there'd be no judging," Alex reminded her.
Serra shook her head. "I'm sorry, I can't help it. But it's not him I judge. Gods! I'm so sorry, Garr, I can't imagine- Gods!" she exclaimed again in disgust.
"Nothing said leaves here," I reminded everyone in a rasping voice. I was fighting tears, although it was mostly from relief. No one had blamed me for it.
My companions agreed, with varying levels of acceptance: Alex and Anna the most ready to uphold the condition we'd set before we started, then Serra, who agreed only because it had been her own rule. Then Sorrow, who did so grudgingly, and only after I set her with a pleading look.
"Sorrow's turn," Alex said, and I was grateful to him for redirecting everyone’s attention off of me.
Sorrow blinked and sat up straight. "Now that I think of it," she said, "I don't think I have any dark secrets."
"None at all?" Anna replied, teasing.
"Well, I have secrets, but none can be considered 'dark' by a long shot," she clarified dubiously.
Alex grinned. "Then how about the most amusing?" he asked, winking at her.
She giggled. "Most amusing?... I guess that would be that I'm afraid of the dark."
I started laughing. I couldn't help it. After the heavy burdens us four had just set in view, that Sorrow had to choose to admit that she was afraid of the dark- oh, how poetically ironic! I wasn't the only one laughing, although it wasn't mean laughter, she still turned a healthy shade of red.
"You're going to have to do a little better than that," Serra giggled. "Almost everyone's afraid of the dark at some point in their lives."
Sorrow miffed. "How about that I'm still a virgin then?" she sassed back.
I issued a vulgar exclamation of disbelief in Draconic. "You and Alan from Music Theory were all over each other last year! You aren't going to tell me that you didn't-"
"Yes, I am," she cut me off calmly. "Alan was a crush. I didn't love him. I want to be sure of it when I do decide to do that with someone."
"Waiting's overrated," Alex said dryly.
Sorrow shot a withering glare at him (as did Anna, but hers was less, "You asshole" and more "You're not getting laid tonight"). "In any case, that's why we broke up. He was pressuring me, and I didn't want to. It finally came down to 'Do it or lose me.' And I told him that if he was that desperate, Rosie Palm and her five friends should be happy to oblige him-" I giggled, not being able to imagine Sorrow using such crude slang- "and that I wasn't losing anything. He was."
"Can't blame him for trying, though," Alex said flirtatiously. Anna smacked him across the chest and glared up at him again. "Jealousy is so sexy on you," he drawled sweetly, his grin broadening. He dodged a light slap to the cheek and caught her hand, bending over to kiss her lightly on the lips.
She seemed to melt and immediately forgot that she was annoyed with him, and went back to snuggling against his chest. "How'd you do that?" I asked in amazement.
"Natural seductive prowess," he replied, cocky, and Anna pinched him for it. "Ow!"
"Um, this topic isn't bothering you, is it, Garr?" Serra asked in concern. I looked at her, confused momentarily, but then I understood her meaning.
"Uh, no," I said, grinning lopsidedly. "You don't know me very well, do ya? I'm just as perverted as him," I said, nodding to Alex.
"I am not perverted!" he exclaimed, defensively.
"Yes, you are!" Anna, Sorrow and I all said at the same time. And then we broke out in laughter. Gods, we spent way too much time around each other.
