016: Pure Again Daylight, Chapter 13
Aug. 8th, 2011 08:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beautifultragedyFandom: Breath of Fire
Story: Pure Again
Summary: Very Bad Things happen when rogue demigods try to reverse time.
Warning: references to sexual abuse
Discussion of self-harm
From the Eyes of the Father
Oh dear gods, he's dead.
That was the first thing to enter my mind when I saw him kneeling on the bathroom floor, draped over the side of the bathtub.
Stupid. If he was dead, he wouldn't have responded to magic empathy, was the second thought, as I knelt next to him. "You're not going to hide from draconic empathy by withdrawing so abruptly from it, my son," I told him calmly, even though I was really quite scared from my wits. Fortunately, as the head doctor at Wyndia hospital, I'd dealt with suicidal teenagers on a fairly frequent basis, and I knew that the more upset I got, the worse it would make the situation. I'd had to throw more hysterical and upset parents out of my emergency room than I could count. I pulled him out of the bathtub, examining his wrists. He'd cut himself in a cross-like pattern, from wrist to forearm, on both arms. The cuts on his left were significantly deeper than those on his right, and even though they were all quite shallow, I'd have to put stitches in his left arm to discourage infection. The right would do with just being bandaged. "Did you really have to make it so difficult to stitch?" I asked him, moving to check how badly he'd jarred his broken ankle in his trek from his room to the bathroom. The bandages were loose, and I could see a tiny spot of red in it where the break had compounded. I grimaced. He was probably in an intense amount of pain between his arms and ankle- it appeared he'd torn the wound open again.
His shirt was wet, from the water and his blood, and I didn't want to deal with him getting a cold because of it, on top of everything else. I told him it'd have to be changed, tugging it over his head and off, and then started tearing it into strips for quick bandages, to staunch the bleeding. He saw what I was doing and squeaked in protest; "Sorry. I'll get you a new one," I said. I didn't know what he was complaining about, it was already ruined...
After wrapping the shreds of shirt around his wrists, I picked him up and carried him back to his room, and then I went to go get the first aid kit I kept under my bed. I should have taken him to the hospital, as this was very obviously an attempt on his life- there was no other way to interpret it. However, with as shallow as the cuts were, I didn't think he was serious about it- no, that's wrong. He was very serious about it.
I couldn't let myself fall into the "attention" trap- but that's what this was. I saw it over and over again with the adolescents I treated at the hospital. They wanted to die, it was clear and true, and they all meant it when they said it, but there was a reason for it, and the attempts were almost always a way of screaming, "Someone pay attention to me!" And it made sense now, I realized. Garr was left alone for hours upon hours on end, with nothing to do, no one to talk to. He couldn't do anything without assistance, not even sleep- he needed a pill to drown the pain enough to be able to fall asleep. I felt like an idiot for not seeing how badly we were neglecting him before this.
I settled down to start working on closing the worst cuts, magically numbing his arm (as well as his ankle, although I don't think he noticed it much). When I was about halfway done, his voice interrupted my concentration. "You knew I'd do this," he said, his voice laced with accusation.
I looked up at him. "No," I said softly. "But I think I probably should have known." I do blame myself, I wanted to say, but decided that it would do no good. "Hold still."
Once he was stitched up, he asked me what would happen. I went through the basics of what I told the kids whom I saw at the hospital- nothing made of glass in their presence, no belts, and no shoelaces. I also informed him that I wasn't giving back his razor rings for an indefinite period of time. And that he'd be watched more carefully, of course. "Try this again," I finally said, "and you will be admitted to the hospital." I was not gentle about it. I offered him no comfort or acceptance in my voice- to do so would be to excuse his actions, and this was unacceptable. I believe the term is "tough love"- something most of the parents I encountered were unwilling to give, finding it impossibly cruel. "I don't want to," I added, a little softer despite myself, "but I will. Please don't make me." I gave his hand a squeeze, and then got up and left the room to call Nina. As I picked up the receiver, my heart started pounding and I felt incredibly guilty, and I realized that being so cold to him was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I doubted myself. Had I been too harsh? Couldn't I have shown at least a little bit of sympathy? Why didn't I tell him that I was sorry for neglecting him so?
I bit my tongue on purpose, something else to focus on instead of the thoughts currently racing through my head. No, no, and because it was irrelevant. I'd done nothing but tell him the facts, the way it was going to be. He didn't need my sympathy right now; he needed me to be his father, to be the adult, to tell him that he was wrong. And no matter what I had-or hadn't- done, I only had control over my end of the situation. I could not control his response to it. I could only apologize for my own inaction with him, but what good would it do him now? I could apologize all I wanted. He didn't need me to say it; he needed me to show it. It wouldn't do any good.
Before the next train of thought started, I dialed Nina's number and sat down on the couch heavily, trying to calm myself. She picked up after two rings. "Hello?"
"Hi. It's me."
"Oh, hi, Ryu. How is everything?"
I sighed. "Not very good. Want to know what our son just did?"
"Oh bless him, what now?" she sounded amused.
I stole myself. She clearly wasn't expecting something like this. "He tried to kill himself," I said softly.
Dead silence on the other end. I was expecting to hear the phone- and her- hit the floor, and I tensed. So what does one do when their teen son was suicidal and couldn't be trusted alone, and his mother passed out when she was told, and she was several miles away with no one else who could get there quickly? Fortunately, I didn't have to find out. "Is he okay?" she asked in a very small, frightened voice.
"Yes," I replied. "We're both a bit shaken up over it, but he's fine. The cuts weren't deep." I sighed. "This is my fault," I told her, miserable, even though I'd just reassured myself that I wasn't in control of Garr's thoughts or actions. "We've been just about ignoring him, but to make sure he was fed and his ankle wasn't getting worse. He's-"
"You think he did it for attention?" she asked, sounding surprised. "After all you talk about how people don't attempt suicide for attention-"
"I don't say that," I snapped at her. "I say that people who attempt suicide do it because they need attention, not that they do it for attention, and yes, I think he's lonely and needs more attention, if you want to oversimplify it like that." I sighed. "Whether this is an 'attention' issue or not, he can't be unsupervised until we're sure he's not going to try again," I said wearily. "If he's given the opportunity while he's still so depressed, he might try again, and next time he might not be so lucky."
"Definitely," Nina agreed. "So what now?"
"I haven't thought about it," I said slowly, "I called you as soon as I knew Garr was in no immediate danger." I paused. "But, I think that Serra will agree to cutting my hours back and taking me off on-call, and that should help. Demeter can get at least one more day off, I'm sure," I added, thinking this through as I spoke. I chewed on my bottom lip. I figured a schedule in my head, and then concluded, "It's still not enough. Vanessa would have been able to be here constantly, but Serra asked her to move into the palace- there's never been a Ladonic missionary at court, and she's taking the opportunity to 'enrich her mind,'" I said dryly.
"I think I can come over on the days neither you nor Demeter are home," Nina offered slowly. I was surprised. I shouldn't have been. Nina was Garr's mother. Of course she would offer to watch him.
"That would be great," I said. "I also think that we should maybe try to interest him in something other than skating. It might do him some good, and take his mind off it."
"Agreed. He likes singing a lot."
"I know. Perhaps we can work something out with that."
There was a pause. Then, Nina asked, "Ryu, what time does your little one get out of school?"
I glanced at my watch in alarm and cursed, loudly. “I completely forgot about Janus! Dear Ladon, what kind of father am I?" I wailed.
"One who has three kids and only one mind to keep track of them," she said gently. "You can't be everywhere at once. Is anyone there to watch Garr?"
"No. Damnit, Janus has been out for the last half hour!"
"Relax. Call the school; let them know someone's on their way. I'll pick him up for you, since I pass the school on the way to your place. I need to give you your infant back," she said dryly, "and I want to see Garr, too. I am very glad Garr wasn't as fussy as Sara. I don't think he was a difficult child anymore," she told me, her voice light and hinting at laughter.
I relaxed a little. "Alright. See you when you get here."
"Bye. Take care." Click.
I didn't hang up the phone. I just dialed the Junior Academy's number and told the secretary that I had been held up by something that couldn't have waited and that my ex-wife would be there to pick Janus up, as I couldn't go myself. Janus, of course, insisted on talking to me: "Daddy! You're late!" Very prissy, very scolding.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I can't leave Garr alone. Aunt Nina's gonna bring you home with Sara, though. She'll be there soon, I promise."
"What's wrong with Garr?" he asked immediately, demanding and sounding scared.
I sighed. "Remember Garr's fall? That he hurt his leg really, really bad? He can't move around much now, not until it's healed, you know. And he's very bored, a lot of the time, and he wants to go do things, but he can't. And because all his friends have school, and Mommy and I have work, no one's around much for him to talk to, and it made him very lonely and very, very sad. So sad that he didn't want to be alive anymore, and he hurt himself, on purpose," I explained.
Janus didn't respond immediately, but after a moment: "He hurt himself?"
"Yes," I answered. "Not very badly, he'll be okay. But I don't want to leave him by himself. I want to stay here so I know that he won't hurt himself again."
I held my breath. Janus was only nine years old. I didn't know how he'd take this, or if I'd have to go into further detail because he didn't understand. "Oh," he finally said, quiet and subdued.
This shouldn’t have been a foreign concept to him-the idea that someone didn't want to be alive, and would hurt themselves intentionally. Garr had made an attempt on his life the year before, one that was barely halted by Alex. I wondered if the whole thing had only been so stressful that Janus didn’t want to remember it, or if he’d thought Garr was okay again. "So if Garr has people to talk to, he'll feel better?" Janus asked.
"Maybe. I don't know for sure. Garr doesn't even know for sure."
There was another pause, and then: "Can Garr help me with my homework tonight, if he doesn't mind?"
I smiled, feeling more than a bit proud of him. I didn't know for sure how he was taking this, but Janus seemed to be asking so Garr had something to do. He never asked for help. He didn't need it. "Of course!" I told him. "I'm sure Garr won't mind a bit."
"'Kay. Miss Corey wants me to get off the phone. I love you, Daddy- and tell Garr I love him, too," he added.
"I love you too, sweetie. And I'll tell Garr that," I replied. "See you soon."
"Bye!"
I hung up the phone after he did, to make sure the secretary didn't have anything else to say, and I went back up to Garr's room. My entering woke him from a doze. "Shouldn't you be getting Janus?" he asked as he yawned.
I sat down beside the bed. "No," I replied. "Your mother's going to pick him up on the way here. She wants to see you."
He smiled slightly. "Hope she's bringing Sara," he said absentmindedly. "I miss taking care of her. She's so sweet. I love her. And Janus too." He didn't sound like he was entirely awake, but I just sat and listened to him ramble. Maybe there was something he needed to get off his chest, and talking to him while he was half asleep was the easiest way to find out some things I needed to know. Deceptive? Maybe. Effective, though. "I think Sara's sick," he continued. "She's reached out to me with empathy a few times, and it's been complaints that her chest hurt." I raised my eyebrows at this, in slight alarm, and made a mental note to check her out. Chest pain was especially scary for children, and it could explain her sour disposition. "I'm worried about Janus, too," he went on. "I mean, he seems so out there- way, way out there- but he's so smart. He's brilliant! Lot smarter than me, no doubt. He’d probably tell people about what Demeter's doing to me, if she were doing it to him. But, ever read any of those little stories he's written? Very good. He has a wild imagination-"
"What's Demeter doing to you?" I asked abruptly, paternal instinct suddenly going berserk. My nerves were set on end the moment he said that, and it wasn't from him accusing Demeter of "doing" something to him. It was because he did accuse her of something.
But he looked at me, and the dazed cloudiness in his eyes cleared. "Wha-? Oh... Did I say she was doing something to me?" he asked, in an innocent tone. "I was half asleep, probably half dreaming, too. Sorry."
"Ah. No problem." He was lying. He was the best liar I knew- he could get anything past anyone. Except me. He was lying about it. As he slipped back into his chatting stupor, I wondered what was going on that I didn't know about. And then I noticed that I was shaking, and I had been since he'd said it.
~*~
In March, I was comfortable enough to let Garr wander about town with his friends again. It was also in March that I discovered that he and his little group had made friends with Queen Serra herself; I saw them, once, in the Queen's Gardens, after a particularly trying audience with the young ruler. She was so immature and over simplistic in her thinking, and I could barely stand it. She asked me what she thought of a particular community program, and I told her what I thought of it: It sucked. And I gave her reasons why it sucked. And she acted like I'd just called her an idiot.
So I saw them there, sitting and talking. I watched as they all turned their attention to my boy, and he drew his knees up to his chest and said something, looking down. Alex reached over and squeezed his shoulder as Sorrow hugged him, and the Queen clearly wasn't pleased with what was said. The five of them had an exchange, and then they all turned to Sorrow. Moments later, they were all laughing and she was blushing very heavily.
They seemed to be having fun, so I let them be. I had the odd feeling that Serra didn't want to see me at that point, and the feeling was mutual. So I just continued on my stroll, still thinking about what Garr'd said a month earlier. I couldn't figure it out.
After that, however, I didn't mind if they saw me. The first time, I'd made sure they saw me. Garr dropped his crutch and ran up to me, laughing and hugging me. I was surprised- and quite elated. It had been years since he'd done that. But I still scolded him for running, and then again for dropping his crutch. He didn't seem bothered by it.
I never asked when they'd made friends with the Queen. It wasn't important. Half way through the month, though, something happened that bothered me a bit, and I made a note to ask Garr about it. Rzalyn and I were sitting only about ten feet away from the kids, playing a game of chess: since I'd started playing it with Garr, as a mode of conversation-inducer in the days after his suicide attempt, I'd taken quite a liking to the game. The last time I'd glanced over at them, they were measuring how long my son's hair was, and Anna was saying that she wanted to braid it. Rzalyn informed me after the next few turns that his daughter had given up, and Alex had taken over the task. Garr, Sorrow, and Serra were all quite amused by the whole affair.
I knew Vanessa was elsewhere in the courtyard, with Val. It didn't really matter to me, though. I answered Rzalyn's question about whether Garr'd have a birthday party- of course! It was his sweet sixteen! "Oh, and," I added smugly, moving one of my pieces, "you're in checkmate, by the way."
He scowled at me, and then his gaze focused on something over my shoulder. I turned to see what had gotten his attention just as I heard Vanessa snap, "Get your hands out of that boy's hair! You'd think he was your girlfriend and not Anna!"
Alex straightened, indignant. "Oh, wow, you're ignorant!" he exclaimed. I noticed with interest that he had, though, released Garr. "What assumptions you make! And how so very old-fashioned, for one in a profession that's just now accepting women in it!" He glared at her. "I'd be careful with your stereotypes, lady."
She scoffed at him. "Being in the service of a god is much different than that," she snipped back, "and I suppose you're telling me that you know more about Ladonism than I do, that you can talk of who we accept in our ranks, child?" She raised an eyebrow at him.
"No," he replied smugly. "I know just about the same as you do, though."
"Oh, really." She rolled her eyes.
Alex regarded her grimly, and then began to speak, softly. "'And so my daughters said, "Father, the Phoenix has died. The world will die with it." But I refuted them gently; the world would not die. Yggdrasil yet lived, and the Phoenix did not die, for the Phoenix was pure life. And so I told them, "When one is born who has the power to change fate, to defy Destiny, he will struggle for his rightful power, traveling over land, air, and sea, and be master of all the wild elements of the world's magic. He will be a child and warrior, mild and fierce. He will be a ruler and peasant, of laughter and tears. Born of wind and fire, earth and ice, stones will weep blood and storms will scream his name, and when he has been caught in death's cruel grip thrice, the Phoenix shall walk the earth again."' Lord Ladon's only spoken prophecy," Alex said, for the benefit of those who did not know it.
Vanessa was smiling. "I am impressed, young Orrizontei!" she exclaimed. "Have you ever considered becoming a priest of Ladon?"
"Nah," he replied. "I'm not cut out for a priest's life." He looked at Anna with a grin, who winked back.
Vanessa shook her head. "A pity," she said. "We don't have many in our ranks who know Ladon's Prophecy by heart, word for word. It’s really ridiculous." She looked to Anna and Garr. "Will you two accompany me back to my rooms? I believe it's time for your lesson, Anna, and I have a gift for Garr, for his sixteenth birthday- I know, I'm a month and a half early, but I must be leaving soon," she explained sadly. "My understudy at the monastery has sent word of a tragedy, and I need to return to help those who are hurt to find peace."
Anna and Garr both got up and follower her out of the courtyard. Rzalyn looked for a moment like he would call his daughter back, but he got up with me instead as I walked over to the remaining three teenagers. "I didn't know you were religious," I said to Alex, who shrugged.
"I'm not, really. I just know the god I serve," he said solemnly. "I owe Lord Ladon at least that much, for all he's done for my family." I knew that he blamed no gods for his brother's death; in fact, he attributed how well the remaining three had healed, and bonded even closer, to their faith. But my admiration was interrupted when he yawned. "Besides," he added in a flip voice, "Ladon was really quite an asshole. Any of you ever read his Legend in it entirety?" He shuddered. "Creepy jerk..."
~*~
I was at work later that day, hunched over some paperwork- a patient had died, quite accidentally, and I needed to do an incident report. It was only partially her fault, but I was almost sure that I'd be ordered to fire the girl who administered his last medication. One thing was for damn sure, I was going to find the idiot who put that drug back in the wrong place. And then I was going to completely decimate his career.
So there was a knock at the door. I groaned- I told Val I couldn't see anyone today! I had to get this report done, it was already three days late! But noooo... she had to interrupt every five minutes. I threw my pen down and buried my face in my hands. "It's open," I called.
"You have a visitor," she said meekly, apparently sensing that I was getting aggravated. I looked up, and uttered an oath as I saw who it was. "Well, are ye just gonna gape an' curse at me? How about kissing the ground I walk on for doing you such a dangerous favor?"
"Circe!" I practically jumped over my desk to embrace her. "Damn, girl, it took you long enough! I was so worried!" I backed off to look at her, then cursed and hugged her again.
"Worried? About me? Aww, shucks."
"I think I'll leave you two alone," Val said. I nodded to her as she closed the door to my office, and I backed off Circe again. "So what took you so damn long?" I asked.
Circe grimaced. "There was an uprising near Caer Xhan while I was there; I volunteered to go help 'em put it down. It was a way for me to repay them for their hospitality, and they needed my military expertise badly." She shook her head. "They just narrowly escaped civil war. Dragnier's coming apart at her seams, Ryu," she said sadly.
I felt a tightness in my chest at that. "Here, sit," I said roughly, "and start from the top."
I leaned back against my desk, half sitting on it, as she sat on the chair in front of it and started. "I just want to say that you're lucky to have such a friendly people," she said. "When I told them you'd sent me, they welcomed me as their own kin. You're still very well loved, after all these years. And I met with Momo and Rei and your grandfather the king, all three. All clamoring for news of you and yours." She grinned, but her grin quickly faded. "Momo says that she'll be sending word of your poison when she finishes the tests on it- she had to leave off to help with the wounded at Caer Xhan. She also says that she dares not trust any mode of communication but direct messenger." I winced at that. Who was she going to be able to get into Wyndia?
Circe continued: "Your brother, Rei- Good gods, Ryu, he is a number!" She whistled. "It’s obvious you two aren’t related by blood, but you know- you both have that handsome look about you. He sends his love to you and your son and ex-wife. I had to tell him that you aren't married to Lady Valerie anymore, either, and then he told me to tell you that you’re a bitch in heat, the way you jump from woman to woman. Seemed to settle down when I told him that you’re happy with your current ball 'n chain." I chuckled at that; he hadn't changed one bit.
"Finally, your grandpop..." Her face went ashen. "Ryu, you know I don't bear Dragnier any ill feelings," she said softly. "It's a beautiful place, and they're a beautiful people. So you understand that I'm serious when I tell you that you have to get back to Dragnier, and soon. Your grandfather’s health is failing', it's plain to see, and them without a crown Prince..." Her voice trailed off, but a moment later she picked up again. "You’re the Prince, and your son their Prince as well, and one of you has to get to Dragnier to be crowned. Otherwise, your grandfather has chosen Rei as the third in succession, and as it stands, if the current King dies, Rei will ascend. That was what the uprising' was about, and if Rei is crowned King of Dragnier- a non-Dragon, a Woren, even, their ruler! - there will be a civil war, and Dragnier will collapse."
I regarded my companion grimly. "Then I have no choice but to try, don't I?" I said softly. "But there's too much going on- Gods!" And I still don't believe it, but I broke down crying then. For the first time since all the mess started, I cried, completely overwhelmed now. I couldn't handle it all!
Circe rose and embraced me, shushing me. "What's happened since I've been gone that makes the mighty Dragon weep so?" she murmured, amazement touching her voice. "Ryu, talk to me. What's happened? Please-"
I fought to regain enough of my restraint to choke out the events: Vanessa's sleeping spell, Garr and Byron's fight, my son's accident, and his resulting suicide attempt. When I was done, Circe just looked at me, into my eyes. She seemed to bear into me, searching for something. Then she kissed my cheek, and walked out of my office, utterly silent.
Story: Pure Again
Summary: Very Bad Things happen when rogue demigods try to reverse time.
Warning: references to sexual abuse
Discussion of self-harm
From the Eyes of the Father
Oh dear gods, he's dead.
That was the first thing to enter my mind when I saw him kneeling on the bathroom floor, draped over the side of the bathtub.
Stupid. If he was dead, he wouldn't have responded to magic empathy, was the second thought, as I knelt next to him. "You're not going to hide from draconic empathy by withdrawing so abruptly from it, my son," I told him calmly, even though I was really quite scared from my wits. Fortunately, as the head doctor at Wyndia hospital, I'd dealt with suicidal teenagers on a fairly frequent basis, and I knew that the more upset I got, the worse it would make the situation. I'd had to throw more hysterical and upset parents out of my emergency room than I could count. I pulled him out of the bathtub, examining his wrists. He'd cut himself in a cross-like pattern, from wrist to forearm, on both arms. The cuts on his left were significantly deeper than those on his right, and even though they were all quite shallow, I'd have to put stitches in his left arm to discourage infection. The right would do with just being bandaged. "Did you really have to make it so difficult to stitch?" I asked him, moving to check how badly he'd jarred his broken ankle in his trek from his room to the bathroom. The bandages were loose, and I could see a tiny spot of red in it where the break had compounded. I grimaced. He was probably in an intense amount of pain between his arms and ankle- it appeared he'd torn the wound open again.
His shirt was wet, from the water and his blood, and I didn't want to deal with him getting a cold because of it, on top of everything else. I told him it'd have to be changed, tugging it over his head and off, and then started tearing it into strips for quick bandages, to staunch the bleeding. He saw what I was doing and squeaked in protest; "Sorry. I'll get you a new one," I said. I didn't know what he was complaining about, it was already ruined...
After wrapping the shreds of shirt around his wrists, I picked him up and carried him back to his room, and then I went to go get the first aid kit I kept under my bed. I should have taken him to the hospital, as this was very obviously an attempt on his life- there was no other way to interpret it. However, with as shallow as the cuts were, I didn't think he was serious about it- no, that's wrong. He was very serious about it.
I couldn't let myself fall into the "attention" trap- but that's what this was. I saw it over and over again with the adolescents I treated at the hospital. They wanted to die, it was clear and true, and they all meant it when they said it, but there was a reason for it, and the attempts were almost always a way of screaming, "Someone pay attention to me!" And it made sense now, I realized. Garr was left alone for hours upon hours on end, with nothing to do, no one to talk to. He couldn't do anything without assistance, not even sleep- he needed a pill to drown the pain enough to be able to fall asleep. I felt like an idiot for not seeing how badly we were neglecting him before this.
I settled down to start working on closing the worst cuts, magically numbing his arm (as well as his ankle, although I don't think he noticed it much). When I was about halfway done, his voice interrupted my concentration. "You knew I'd do this," he said, his voice laced with accusation.
I looked up at him. "No," I said softly. "But I think I probably should have known." I do blame myself, I wanted to say, but decided that it would do no good. "Hold still."
Once he was stitched up, he asked me what would happen. I went through the basics of what I told the kids whom I saw at the hospital- nothing made of glass in their presence, no belts, and no shoelaces. I also informed him that I wasn't giving back his razor rings for an indefinite period of time. And that he'd be watched more carefully, of course. "Try this again," I finally said, "and you will be admitted to the hospital." I was not gentle about it. I offered him no comfort or acceptance in my voice- to do so would be to excuse his actions, and this was unacceptable. I believe the term is "tough love"- something most of the parents I encountered were unwilling to give, finding it impossibly cruel. "I don't want to," I added, a little softer despite myself, "but I will. Please don't make me." I gave his hand a squeeze, and then got up and left the room to call Nina. As I picked up the receiver, my heart started pounding and I felt incredibly guilty, and I realized that being so cold to him was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I doubted myself. Had I been too harsh? Couldn't I have shown at least a little bit of sympathy? Why didn't I tell him that I was sorry for neglecting him so?
I bit my tongue on purpose, something else to focus on instead of the thoughts currently racing through my head. No, no, and because it was irrelevant. I'd done nothing but tell him the facts, the way it was going to be. He didn't need my sympathy right now; he needed me to be his father, to be the adult, to tell him that he was wrong. And no matter what I had-or hadn't- done, I only had control over my end of the situation. I could not control his response to it. I could only apologize for my own inaction with him, but what good would it do him now? I could apologize all I wanted. He didn't need me to say it; he needed me to show it. It wouldn't do any good.
Before the next train of thought started, I dialed Nina's number and sat down on the couch heavily, trying to calm myself. She picked up after two rings. "Hello?"
"Hi. It's me."
"Oh, hi, Ryu. How is everything?"
I sighed. "Not very good. Want to know what our son just did?"
"Oh bless him, what now?" she sounded amused.
I stole myself. She clearly wasn't expecting something like this. "He tried to kill himself," I said softly.
Dead silence on the other end. I was expecting to hear the phone- and her- hit the floor, and I tensed. So what does one do when their teen son was suicidal and couldn't be trusted alone, and his mother passed out when she was told, and she was several miles away with no one else who could get there quickly? Fortunately, I didn't have to find out. "Is he okay?" she asked in a very small, frightened voice.
"Yes," I replied. "We're both a bit shaken up over it, but he's fine. The cuts weren't deep." I sighed. "This is my fault," I told her, miserable, even though I'd just reassured myself that I wasn't in control of Garr's thoughts or actions. "We've been just about ignoring him, but to make sure he was fed and his ankle wasn't getting worse. He's-"
"You think he did it for attention?" she asked, sounding surprised. "After all you talk about how people don't attempt suicide for attention-"
"I don't say that," I snapped at her. "I say that people who attempt suicide do it because they need attention, not that they do it for attention, and yes, I think he's lonely and needs more attention, if you want to oversimplify it like that." I sighed. "Whether this is an 'attention' issue or not, he can't be unsupervised until we're sure he's not going to try again," I said wearily. "If he's given the opportunity while he's still so depressed, he might try again, and next time he might not be so lucky."
"Definitely," Nina agreed. "So what now?"
"I haven't thought about it," I said slowly, "I called you as soon as I knew Garr was in no immediate danger." I paused. "But, I think that Serra will agree to cutting my hours back and taking me off on-call, and that should help. Demeter can get at least one more day off, I'm sure," I added, thinking this through as I spoke. I chewed on my bottom lip. I figured a schedule in my head, and then concluded, "It's still not enough. Vanessa would have been able to be here constantly, but Serra asked her to move into the palace- there's never been a Ladonic missionary at court, and she's taking the opportunity to 'enrich her mind,'" I said dryly.
"I think I can come over on the days neither you nor Demeter are home," Nina offered slowly. I was surprised. I shouldn't have been. Nina was Garr's mother. Of course she would offer to watch him.
"That would be great," I said. "I also think that we should maybe try to interest him in something other than skating. It might do him some good, and take his mind off it."
"Agreed. He likes singing a lot."
"I know. Perhaps we can work something out with that."
There was a pause. Then, Nina asked, "Ryu, what time does your little one get out of school?"
I glanced at my watch in alarm and cursed, loudly. “I completely forgot about Janus! Dear Ladon, what kind of father am I?" I wailed.
"One who has three kids and only one mind to keep track of them," she said gently. "You can't be everywhere at once. Is anyone there to watch Garr?"
"No. Damnit, Janus has been out for the last half hour!"
"Relax. Call the school; let them know someone's on their way. I'll pick him up for you, since I pass the school on the way to your place. I need to give you your infant back," she said dryly, "and I want to see Garr, too. I am very glad Garr wasn't as fussy as Sara. I don't think he was a difficult child anymore," she told me, her voice light and hinting at laughter.
I relaxed a little. "Alright. See you when you get here."
"Bye. Take care." Click.
I didn't hang up the phone. I just dialed the Junior Academy's number and told the secretary that I had been held up by something that couldn't have waited and that my ex-wife would be there to pick Janus up, as I couldn't go myself. Janus, of course, insisted on talking to me: "Daddy! You're late!" Very prissy, very scolding.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I can't leave Garr alone. Aunt Nina's gonna bring you home with Sara, though. She'll be there soon, I promise."
"What's wrong with Garr?" he asked immediately, demanding and sounding scared.
I sighed. "Remember Garr's fall? That he hurt his leg really, really bad? He can't move around much now, not until it's healed, you know. And he's very bored, a lot of the time, and he wants to go do things, but he can't. And because all his friends have school, and Mommy and I have work, no one's around much for him to talk to, and it made him very lonely and very, very sad. So sad that he didn't want to be alive anymore, and he hurt himself, on purpose," I explained.
Janus didn't respond immediately, but after a moment: "He hurt himself?"
"Yes," I answered. "Not very badly, he'll be okay. But I don't want to leave him by himself. I want to stay here so I know that he won't hurt himself again."
I held my breath. Janus was only nine years old. I didn't know how he'd take this, or if I'd have to go into further detail because he didn't understand. "Oh," he finally said, quiet and subdued.
This shouldn’t have been a foreign concept to him-the idea that someone didn't want to be alive, and would hurt themselves intentionally. Garr had made an attempt on his life the year before, one that was barely halted by Alex. I wondered if the whole thing had only been so stressful that Janus didn’t want to remember it, or if he’d thought Garr was okay again. "So if Garr has people to talk to, he'll feel better?" Janus asked.
"Maybe. I don't know for sure. Garr doesn't even know for sure."
There was another pause, and then: "Can Garr help me with my homework tonight, if he doesn't mind?"
I smiled, feeling more than a bit proud of him. I didn't know for sure how he was taking this, but Janus seemed to be asking so Garr had something to do. He never asked for help. He didn't need it. "Of course!" I told him. "I'm sure Garr won't mind a bit."
"'Kay. Miss Corey wants me to get off the phone. I love you, Daddy- and tell Garr I love him, too," he added.
"I love you too, sweetie. And I'll tell Garr that," I replied. "See you soon."
"Bye!"
I hung up the phone after he did, to make sure the secretary didn't have anything else to say, and I went back up to Garr's room. My entering woke him from a doze. "Shouldn't you be getting Janus?" he asked as he yawned.
I sat down beside the bed. "No," I replied. "Your mother's going to pick him up on the way here. She wants to see you."
He smiled slightly. "Hope she's bringing Sara," he said absentmindedly. "I miss taking care of her. She's so sweet. I love her. And Janus too." He didn't sound like he was entirely awake, but I just sat and listened to him ramble. Maybe there was something he needed to get off his chest, and talking to him while he was half asleep was the easiest way to find out some things I needed to know. Deceptive? Maybe. Effective, though. "I think Sara's sick," he continued. "She's reached out to me with empathy a few times, and it's been complaints that her chest hurt." I raised my eyebrows at this, in slight alarm, and made a mental note to check her out. Chest pain was especially scary for children, and it could explain her sour disposition. "I'm worried about Janus, too," he went on. "I mean, he seems so out there- way, way out there- but he's so smart. He's brilliant! Lot smarter than me, no doubt. He’d probably tell people about what Demeter's doing to me, if she were doing it to him. But, ever read any of those little stories he's written? Very good. He has a wild imagination-"
"What's Demeter doing to you?" I asked abruptly, paternal instinct suddenly going berserk. My nerves were set on end the moment he said that, and it wasn't from him accusing Demeter of "doing" something to him. It was because he did accuse her of something.
But he looked at me, and the dazed cloudiness in his eyes cleared. "Wha-? Oh... Did I say she was doing something to me?" he asked, in an innocent tone. "I was half asleep, probably half dreaming, too. Sorry."
"Ah. No problem." He was lying. He was the best liar I knew- he could get anything past anyone. Except me. He was lying about it. As he slipped back into his chatting stupor, I wondered what was going on that I didn't know about. And then I noticed that I was shaking, and I had been since he'd said it.
~*~
In March, I was comfortable enough to let Garr wander about town with his friends again. It was also in March that I discovered that he and his little group had made friends with Queen Serra herself; I saw them, once, in the Queen's Gardens, after a particularly trying audience with the young ruler. She was so immature and over simplistic in her thinking, and I could barely stand it. She asked me what she thought of a particular community program, and I told her what I thought of it: It sucked. And I gave her reasons why it sucked. And she acted like I'd just called her an idiot.
So I saw them there, sitting and talking. I watched as they all turned their attention to my boy, and he drew his knees up to his chest and said something, looking down. Alex reached over and squeezed his shoulder as Sorrow hugged him, and the Queen clearly wasn't pleased with what was said. The five of them had an exchange, and then they all turned to Sorrow. Moments later, they were all laughing and she was blushing very heavily.
They seemed to be having fun, so I let them be. I had the odd feeling that Serra didn't want to see me at that point, and the feeling was mutual. So I just continued on my stroll, still thinking about what Garr'd said a month earlier. I couldn't figure it out.
After that, however, I didn't mind if they saw me. The first time, I'd made sure they saw me. Garr dropped his crutch and ran up to me, laughing and hugging me. I was surprised- and quite elated. It had been years since he'd done that. But I still scolded him for running, and then again for dropping his crutch. He didn't seem bothered by it.
I never asked when they'd made friends with the Queen. It wasn't important. Half way through the month, though, something happened that bothered me a bit, and I made a note to ask Garr about it. Rzalyn and I were sitting only about ten feet away from the kids, playing a game of chess: since I'd started playing it with Garr, as a mode of conversation-inducer in the days after his suicide attempt, I'd taken quite a liking to the game. The last time I'd glanced over at them, they were measuring how long my son's hair was, and Anna was saying that she wanted to braid it. Rzalyn informed me after the next few turns that his daughter had given up, and Alex had taken over the task. Garr, Sorrow, and Serra were all quite amused by the whole affair.
I knew Vanessa was elsewhere in the courtyard, with Val. It didn't really matter to me, though. I answered Rzalyn's question about whether Garr'd have a birthday party- of course! It was his sweet sixteen! "Oh, and," I added smugly, moving one of my pieces, "you're in checkmate, by the way."
He scowled at me, and then his gaze focused on something over my shoulder. I turned to see what had gotten his attention just as I heard Vanessa snap, "Get your hands out of that boy's hair! You'd think he was your girlfriend and not Anna!"
Alex straightened, indignant. "Oh, wow, you're ignorant!" he exclaimed. I noticed with interest that he had, though, released Garr. "What assumptions you make! And how so very old-fashioned, for one in a profession that's just now accepting women in it!" He glared at her. "I'd be careful with your stereotypes, lady."
She scoffed at him. "Being in the service of a god is much different than that," she snipped back, "and I suppose you're telling me that you know more about Ladonism than I do, that you can talk of who we accept in our ranks, child?" She raised an eyebrow at him.
"No," he replied smugly. "I know just about the same as you do, though."
"Oh, really." She rolled her eyes.
Alex regarded her grimly, and then began to speak, softly. "'And so my daughters said, "Father, the Phoenix has died. The world will die with it." But I refuted them gently; the world would not die. Yggdrasil yet lived, and the Phoenix did not die, for the Phoenix was pure life. And so I told them, "When one is born who has the power to change fate, to defy Destiny, he will struggle for his rightful power, traveling over land, air, and sea, and be master of all the wild elements of the world's magic. He will be a child and warrior, mild and fierce. He will be a ruler and peasant, of laughter and tears. Born of wind and fire, earth and ice, stones will weep blood and storms will scream his name, and when he has been caught in death's cruel grip thrice, the Phoenix shall walk the earth again."' Lord Ladon's only spoken prophecy," Alex said, for the benefit of those who did not know it.
Vanessa was smiling. "I am impressed, young Orrizontei!" she exclaimed. "Have you ever considered becoming a priest of Ladon?"
"Nah," he replied. "I'm not cut out for a priest's life." He looked at Anna with a grin, who winked back.
Vanessa shook her head. "A pity," she said. "We don't have many in our ranks who know Ladon's Prophecy by heart, word for word. It’s really ridiculous." She looked to Anna and Garr. "Will you two accompany me back to my rooms? I believe it's time for your lesson, Anna, and I have a gift for Garr, for his sixteenth birthday- I know, I'm a month and a half early, but I must be leaving soon," she explained sadly. "My understudy at the monastery has sent word of a tragedy, and I need to return to help those who are hurt to find peace."
Anna and Garr both got up and follower her out of the courtyard. Rzalyn looked for a moment like he would call his daughter back, but he got up with me instead as I walked over to the remaining three teenagers. "I didn't know you were religious," I said to Alex, who shrugged.
"I'm not, really. I just know the god I serve," he said solemnly. "I owe Lord Ladon at least that much, for all he's done for my family." I knew that he blamed no gods for his brother's death; in fact, he attributed how well the remaining three had healed, and bonded even closer, to their faith. But my admiration was interrupted when he yawned. "Besides," he added in a flip voice, "Ladon was really quite an asshole. Any of you ever read his Legend in it entirety?" He shuddered. "Creepy jerk..."
~*~
I was at work later that day, hunched over some paperwork- a patient had died, quite accidentally, and I needed to do an incident report. It was only partially her fault, but I was almost sure that I'd be ordered to fire the girl who administered his last medication. One thing was for damn sure, I was going to find the idiot who put that drug back in the wrong place. And then I was going to completely decimate his career.
So there was a knock at the door. I groaned- I told Val I couldn't see anyone today! I had to get this report done, it was already three days late! But noooo... she had to interrupt every five minutes. I threw my pen down and buried my face in my hands. "It's open," I called.
"You have a visitor," she said meekly, apparently sensing that I was getting aggravated. I looked up, and uttered an oath as I saw who it was. "Well, are ye just gonna gape an' curse at me? How about kissing the ground I walk on for doing you such a dangerous favor?"
"Circe!" I practically jumped over my desk to embrace her. "Damn, girl, it took you long enough! I was so worried!" I backed off to look at her, then cursed and hugged her again.
"Worried? About me? Aww, shucks."
"I think I'll leave you two alone," Val said. I nodded to her as she closed the door to my office, and I backed off Circe again. "So what took you so damn long?" I asked.
Circe grimaced. "There was an uprising near Caer Xhan while I was there; I volunteered to go help 'em put it down. It was a way for me to repay them for their hospitality, and they needed my military expertise badly." She shook her head. "They just narrowly escaped civil war. Dragnier's coming apart at her seams, Ryu," she said sadly.
I felt a tightness in my chest at that. "Here, sit," I said roughly, "and start from the top."
I leaned back against my desk, half sitting on it, as she sat on the chair in front of it and started. "I just want to say that you're lucky to have such a friendly people," she said. "When I told them you'd sent me, they welcomed me as their own kin. You're still very well loved, after all these years. And I met with Momo and Rei and your grandfather the king, all three. All clamoring for news of you and yours." She grinned, but her grin quickly faded. "Momo says that she'll be sending word of your poison when she finishes the tests on it- she had to leave off to help with the wounded at Caer Xhan. She also says that she dares not trust any mode of communication but direct messenger." I winced at that. Who was she going to be able to get into Wyndia?
Circe continued: "Your brother, Rei- Good gods, Ryu, he is a number!" She whistled. "It’s obvious you two aren’t related by blood, but you know- you both have that handsome look about you. He sends his love to you and your son and ex-wife. I had to tell him that you aren't married to Lady Valerie anymore, either, and then he told me to tell you that you’re a bitch in heat, the way you jump from woman to woman. Seemed to settle down when I told him that you’re happy with your current ball 'n chain." I chuckled at that; he hadn't changed one bit.
"Finally, your grandpop..." Her face went ashen. "Ryu, you know I don't bear Dragnier any ill feelings," she said softly. "It's a beautiful place, and they're a beautiful people. So you understand that I'm serious when I tell you that you have to get back to Dragnier, and soon. Your grandfather’s health is failing', it's plain to see, and them without a crown Prince..." Her voice trailed off, but a moment later she picked up again. "You’re the Prince, and your son their Prince as well, and one of you has to get to Dragnier to be crowned. Otherwise, your grandfather has chosen Rei as the third in succession, and as it stands, if the current King dies, Rei will ascend. That was what the uprising' was about, and if Rei is crowned King of Dragnier- a non-Dragon, a Woren, even, their ruler! - there will be a civil war, and Dragnier will collapse."
I regarded my companion grimly. "Then I have no choice but to try, don't I?" I said softly. "But there's too much going on- Gods!" And I still don't believe it, but I broke down crying then. For the first time since all the mess started, I cried, completely overwhelmed now. I couldn't handle it all!
Circe rose and embraced me, shushing me. "What's happened since I've been gone that makes the mighty Dragon weep so?" she murmured, amazement touching her voice. "Ryu, talk to me. What's happened? Please-"
I fought to regain enough of my restraint to choke out the events: Vanessa's sleeping spell, Garr and Byron's fight, my son's accident, and his resulting suicide attempt. When I was done, Circe just looked at me, into my eyes. She seemed to bear into me, searching for something. Then she kissed my cheek, and walked out of my office, utterly silent.
