019: Pure Again Daylight, Chapter 15
Jun. 24th, 2012 06:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beautifultragedyFandom: Breath of Fire
Story: Pure Again
Summary: Very Bad Things happen when rogue demigods try to reverse time.
Warning: references to sexual abuse, self-harm
From the Eyes of the Father
I watched my eldest son stomp up the stairs, wincing every time he set his left foot down too hard than was good for his healing ankle. Then I turned to Rzalyn. "You had better have a very, very good reason for that, Lynn," I said. It was rare that any of us used his real name. I did so now to try to show that while I was upset that he'd made that kind of call with my son, I wasn't going to begrudge him it. Lynn Rzahn never did anything without a purpose, I knew. It was just a matter of me agreeing with him.
Rzalyn sighed heavily. "I do, Ryu," he said quietly. "But now I'm going to have to ask you to just trust me now. I can't go into it."
Alex groaned. "For crying out loud, Rzalyn- I have had quite enough of people having secrets!" he snapped. "Spill it!"
Had that been Garr, or Sorrow, all three of us who remained in the room probably would have had a fit. But Alex was nearing twenty-one, and we counted him as an equal, an adult and not a child anymore. Rzalyn glared at him. "I'd rather not."
Demeter still held our daughter; Sara seemed to be asleep. My wife spoke in a thoughtful tone: "Rzalyn, Vanessa is Garr's step-aunt. He-"
"Yes, and Byron is Garr's step-uncle!" Rzalyn cut her off. "But you've managed to eliminate him from Garr's life!"
"That was a mutual decision between Garr's father, my sister, and myself." She was still speaking softly, but with an edge on her voice. She didn't like situations that were out of her control. "We did it because Byron was a clear danger to Garr. No one's accusing you of anything, Rzalyn, but we would appreciate it if you'd just tell us why you see Vanessa as a threat, as well, so we can honestly support your decision."
"I already do," Alex said hotly. "That woman is something else entirely. What else, I don't know. I just don't like not knowing what's going on, that's all."
Rzalyn glared at each of us in turn. Then he sighed and looked at his feet. "Ever wondered why I refuse to go by my real name?"
I shook my head. I could count the number of people who knew his real name on my fingers, and half of them were in this room right now. "You have your reasons," I replied. "None of my business." Demeter and Alex echoed my statement. I'd known Rzalyn's true name since I'd met him, Demeter knew because I did, and Alex... well, Alex found out on accident. I'd called Rzalyn 'Lynn' in front of Alex, without realizing it, and Alex wanted to know if that was what Rzalyn's friends called him. Of course, Rzalyn had to correct him. He hid his name, but he wouldn't lie about it.
Rzalyn took a deep breath, and then said, "I'm an ex-priest of Ladon." He stared at his hands. "I'm also not recognized as a member of the Ladonic faith- the head church excommunicated me." I gaped at him; I thought he'd left the priesthood when he met Anna's mother. "I was also declared a heretic," Rzalyn finished softly.
"That- that's horrible!" Alex exclaimed. He shook his head. "Why? I mean, there's absolutely nothing in Ladon's Legend to indicate that he'd condone anyone being labeled a heretic! In fact, he actually speaks against it several times-"
"I know," Rzalyn replied smugly. "I was a priest, remember?" His tone turned serious again. "I was excommunicated because I'd taken a lover. And I was declared a heretic because I'd taken part in a plot to murder Ladon's Highpriest. We failed, thank the gods," he spoke vehemently, "but Vanessa had as well. And she lied to cover her own backside when it came down to it." He chuckled wistfully. "That doesn't bother me too much. Aside from her being the High Priestess of our order now. That bothers me a hell of a lot. What bothers me is that she didn't need to smear our relationship-" Demeter gasped here, looking stunned. I was as well, and a thousand questions rose in my head, but I decided that Demeter looked like she might drop my child, and I rose to take Sara from her- "-all over the scandal after it was discovered, as well. And she didn't say one damn word about who it was I was sharing a bed with."
He sounded quite bitter, and I couldn't blame him. I would be too, after that. But Garr was right. "It does seem that you're just holding a grudge, Rzalyn," I said quietly.
"Oh, I am," he admitted freely. "But I would have kept my nose out of her relationship with Anna and Garr. Ryu, everyone but Vanessa and I, everyone who was involved with that plot, they were all executed." Alex let out a cry of angry protest; as much as he tried to deny it, he was quite religious, and devoted to Ladon. "They didn't kill me because they couldn't find me-"
"Why you changed your name," I realized then.
"-and they didn't kill Vanessa because, well... She'd lied more in that inquisition that I ever have in my life. Yes, that's why I changed my name. Anna's mother was the one who helped me get away. I was still going by my real name at that point, and three years later- Anna was just a baby- they found us." Rzalyn was pale, and he sounded lost, disconnected. "Anabelle kept the Inquisitors busy, telling me to take Anna and run, that I could get farther away faster than she could. I trusted my church not to kill an innocent. When I returned there for her, a day later, she-..."
Rzalyn stopped. The rest of us were silent. "I can't tell Anna that," Rzalyn finally said, his voice strained. "She'll blame me."
"No, she won't," Alex replied simply.
"She will. Gods- and she'd be right." Rzalyn pressed a hand to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut. A tear trailed down his cheek, and I felt like an ass for demanding an explanation. I had no idea it would be so painful for him... But he continued on. "That's not why I don't want those two near her." He wiped his eyes and looked at me. "I don't want them near her because she tried again, five years ago. And again, she was the only one the Inquisitors found innocent. In fact, she was rewarded for foiling her cohorts! And they killed them, too."
"Gods!" Demeter breathed. "That's not Ladonism! That's..."
"That's illegal," I said flatly. "The church wasn't dealing punishment for heresy, they murdered the plotters."
Rzalyn shook his head. "This isn't in Wyndia, Ryu, it's in Rapalpha."
"So?" I asked. "The Ladonic church has no power in any nations aside from Dragnier. And even then, they're not allowed to kill for crimes against Ladon, without the government's consent."
"The Ladonic church is corrupt," Rzalyn said wearily. "It has been for years. Ladon would have a fit if he saw the way things were run now."
"Indeed," Alex agreed dryly.
"So you think that Vanessa will try to draw them into another plot," Demeter said.
"Yes," Rzalyn responded. "I told Garr about half of that... I didn't tell him anything about the plot to kill the Highpriest. Perhaps I should have. Perhaps I should now," he said.
"If you try now, he won't listen," I told him. "Give him a day or so to cool off. You might want to tell Anna this, too," I suggested.
"No," Rzalyn said. "I can't tell her that I just left her mother to die like that-"
"Then don't!" I exclaimed, "but tell her why you think Vanessa's a threat to her!"
Rzalyn looked at me, as if his world might end. "Thank you for pushing me to tell you all that," he said softly. "I do think that maybe it weighs a little less on my soul now."
I reached out and gripped his hand. "I wish you'd told me about this before, Lynn," I told him. "Secrets are a hard burden to bear alone."
"You know from experience as well as I do," Rzalyn replied with a little grin, returning my squeeze, and then we let go as Demeter looked at Alex questioningly. He scowled and shrugged.
"I think I'm going to go home," the young man said. "I'm going to stop by your house though, Rzalyn, and check on Anna."
"Good idea," Rzalyn nodded. "I think I'll go with you."
We bid our good-byes to one another, and then Demeter and I were left alone. We bickered over who should get to hold the sleeping baby for a moment, and then Demeter went up the stairs to check on Janus. "He's asleep," she said when she came back downstairs. "I think we need to talk to him tomorrow, let him know that he wasn't sent to his room for anything he did."
I shrugged, stroking one of Sara's tiny hands with my thumb. "I think he realizes it," I told her. "I mean, you walked in right at the edge of that argument. Janus didn't look upset when he went upstairs. But you're right, just to make sure."
Demeter sat down next to me with a sigh, putting her face in her hands. "My family is falling apart," she said tiredly. I wanted to say something comforting, but I didn't know what. And now I wished I'd given in and let Demeter hold Sara; I couldn't even embrace her, offer her that comfort. "How did we get like this, Ryu?" she asked me. "Byron's missing, and seems to be a hardcore sadist, last time we saw him. My sister..." She shook her head in disgust. "My sister the deceiver. And... I.. Gods, Ryu, why the hell did everything just fall apart at once?"
"I wish I could tell you," I replied gently. "But I can't."
"I know, I'm sorry... I feel like I'm losing everyone at once-"
"You still have me," I told her, a little harsher and passionate than I probably should have, "and you know you always will."
Demeter looked at me, a mix of relief and trust and love reflecting in her gray eyes. "Thank you, Ryu," she said, very sincerely. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," I replied softly. Demeter closed the distance between us and kissed me, very lightly, and I returned the favor. And then the passion rose between us as a tender, loving kiss became a hot, desiring one, and she moved to embrace me.
The baby in my arms squawked, and then started sobbing.
Startled, I looked down at my daughter, blushing very hard. Then I looked back up to my wife, who was just as red in the face as I figured I was. "I think I better try to calm her and put her to bed first," I said, bewildered.
Demeter nodded slowly, then suddenly laughed and bent over my arms. "I'm so sorry!" she told the infant in a cooing voice. "We didn't mean to squish you! Can you forgive Mommy and Daddy?" Another sob was her reply, although her cries seemed less urgent and more irritated now. "Tell you what, my darling," Demi crooned. "Will you forgive us if we make you another playmate, a little brother or sister? Surely it would suck to be the youngest! So is it a deal?" She grinned at me.
"Oh, you are so crude," I chuckled, standing and lifting Sara so she was upright in my arms. She was still crying, but she laid her head against my shoulder. She was in a forgiving mood, it seemed. I remembered what Garr told me about her complaints to him through empathy, and I opened myself up to her, asking gently if she would tell me if she didn't feel good. I was met with apprehension, but she responded; no pain now, she impressed on me, but sometimes her chest hurt. An image flashed in my head; Garr gasping for breath, a hand pressed against his chest. I recognized it as a memory, something she'd seen him do.
And then a sensation that she wanted me to make it go away. It broke my heart to feel her desperation for relief. I kissed her forehead. "I'll try," I whispered.
"Wow, congratulations!" Demeter exclaimed. "You've finally managed not to upset her more, and only nine months after she was born! That's gotta be a record!"
"You hush up," I said, freeing one of my hands to point at her. I was quite proud. And happy, too, that she’d responded so well. "I swear, I'll withhold-"
"Oh, no you won't," she replied, winking at me.
"We'll see."
"Go put Sara to bed," Demeter ordered me with a grin. I stuck my tongue out at her and carried the infant up the stairs, carefully as to not jostle her- she was falling asleep again- and trying to ignore the wild desire to put her down to sleep and get back to my wife as quickly as possible. By the time I pulled the covers over her, Sara was sound asleep.
My eagerness for Demi faded to irritation, however, when I checked on Janus and discovered his shoes still on. She'd been up here to check on him earlier, why hadn't she taken off his shoes? Very gently I untied them, and pulled them off his feet. He only stirred once, when I picked him up to set him in his bed better- one of his arms were hanging down the side- and pulled the covers over him. I nearly knocked on Garr's door as I left the kids' room; he'd stopped crying, or if he hadn't, he was a good deal quieter about it. I wanted to make sure he was okay. But I also knew that he'd probably be angry at me for letting Rzalyn order him not to speak with Vanessa again. I wondered about him, a lot. There was something wrong. I still couldn't figure it out. Maybe I had been wrong when he told me that Demi was "doing something" to him, and he hadn't lied about it just being a half-dream. Maybe Byron was managing to terrorize him still? Did his mother say something to him that disturbed him? Did I?
This was useless, I realized. If something was wrong, he'd come to me eventually, or I'd find out. I knew he disliked it when people pried in his business. Especially me. But damnit, it was my job to pry. Why didn't he understand that? Because he's a fifteen-year-old boy, and you're his father, I answered myself. I remembered how irritated I'd been with my own "guardians" after the war, my Grandfather and the woman who'd taken the "poor battered boy" into the palace, despite protesting that I had no idea how to be a prince, or that I even was their prince. They tried to parent me. It didn't work. You just can't parent a seventeen-year-old. I'd done all my growing up on the journey, and I didn't give a damn if they didn't like my personality. Tough.
I sighed. Teenagers. Damned in-between years.
I went back downstairs, intending on getting some hot chocolate or tea. Despite my physical reaction to Demeter's attention, I hadn't taken her very seriously, and I didn't think she took me seriously, either. I can't even begin to describe the kind of pleasant shock I took when I saw her, looking at me from the couch, lying down with a sultry smile on her face, her hair down. And she was stark naked.
I went right over to her, grinning like an idiot, and I kissed her passionately. "What happened to withholding?" she asked smugly, pulling away.
I smirked at her. "I lied."
"Oh. Lucky me." She winked. And I lost myself in her eyes.
~*~
Somehow, a good hour later- maybe more- I managed to coax the both of us off the couch long enough to get dressed again. She complained that she wanted to cuddle; I told her that she should have thought about that before she decided the living room was a good place to make love and that we could cuddle perfectly fine while clothed. Gods forbid one of the boys decide to come downstairs with us in that state. She grudgingly agreed my point.
We were dozing, not quite asleep but too tired for "pillow talk", when the phone rang. I shook the grogginess from my mind as I reached back to pick it up. "Hello?"
"Mr. Bateson?"
"Yes, Anna," I replied, fully awake as I realized who it was. "Are you okay, hon?"
There was a pause. "Y- yes. Is Papa still there?"
"No. He left several hours ago. Why? He's not home?"
"He wasn't last time I was there," she replied. "I went looking for him." She hesitated; Demeter looked up at me questioningly. I tangled my free hand in her hair and mouthed "Anna" to her, and Demi nodded and laid her head back down on my chest. "He left with Alex," I told Anna. "Did he go home at all?"
"Yes, he was there. He left again, like, half an hour later. I know he was with Alex. Alex and I talked." '
"Did he leave when Alex did?" I asked, deciding that what they discussed wasn't important at that moment.
"Uh-huh." She sounded a bit worried.
I smiled despite myself. "He most likely went to Alex's," I told her. "Or maybe out to a bar with him or something. I'm sure they're fine."
"Okay," she said, not sounding too sure of herself. "How's Garr?" she asked, changing the subject.
I frowned. "I dunno. I haven't seen him since a few moments after you left- he got pissed off at your father and stormed off to his room."
"Can I talk to him?" she asked, still sounding a bit frightened.
"Sure," I said, nudging Demeter. She looked at me again, and I motioned for her to get off me so I could get up. "Hang on, let me get up there, okay?" I took the phone away from my ear and headed up the stairs.
There was no sound coming from his room, nor did it appear that there was a light on. I knocked lightly on the door. "Garr?" I got no answer; I opened the door slightly and stuck my head in the room. "You awake?"
My son waved to me limply, and then let his arm fall back down next to him. "Anna's on the phone," I told him. "She wants to talk to you." Silently, he rose to a sitting position and held his hand out. I walked in without turning on the light- it probably would hurt his eyes if I did- and handed him the phone. "I'm sorry I didn't intervene tonight," I told him before I let go of the phone, "but I did what I thought I had to. I love you." I kissed the top of his head and left, quickly, but leaving him enough time to say something to me if he wanted to. He didn't, and I closed the door behind me.
Demeter'd come upstairs. "How is he?" she asked softly.
"Silent," I replied. "Didn't say a word to me. He probably won't for a few days." I shrugged. I held up a hand. "No, he's not giving me the cold shoulder," I told her. "He responds to me, he just doesn't talk when he's angry."
"That's the cold shoulder," she replied.
"No, it's not. It would be if he refused to interact with me at all." I yawned. "I'm going to bed before the afterglow dies altogether."
Demi laughed. "I'll be there soon, love. I'm hungry." I kissed her as we parted ways at our bedroom door, she going downstairs again, and I going into the room. I stripped off my shirt and tossed it into a corner- I'd pick it up in the morning- and practically fell into bed. I was quite tired.
I dreamed.
Garr was yelling at me. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I could tell, by the way he moved, and the expression on his face, that he was furious with me. And I knew that I'd been in the wrong. His anger was warranted and justified. I didn't know what I'd done, but I knew that it had been bad. But his words, words I could not hear, enraged me. I wanted to literally strangle him, to hurt him.
I fought the feelings. I'd never hit Garr in anger in his life. I couldn't imagine ever striking him with the intent to damage him. Yet now, I wanted to do more than just damage.
He spoke again. Something in me snapped, and I slapped him, with all my strength. It sent him reeling backwards, and he fell to the ground heavily. Then I was speaking to him: "How dare you talk like that, you worthless little bitch!"
Whoa! What the hell!? Did I just say that to my son?! And even though I was horrified and disgusted at my words, I kept going. "You have no right to speak like that, to anybody," I hissed at him, "least of all me. The moment- the moment- I stop protecting you from Queen Serra, she'll have you killed and you know it. I'd have a little more respect for that if I were you, considering how quickly I can end your life. Oh, and by the way, I'd rather be a 'sold-out wannabe' than a whore like you!"
"Oh, fuck you!" he shrieked back, in tears. "Fuck you! I'm so glad this all happened, 'cause now I'm getting to see how much you cared about me! You probably knew everything that Demeter and Byron and Vanessa did, and you laughed at it, didn't you?! I'm just a joke to you, aren't I?! Rzalyn was much more of a father to me than you ever were and ever will be, Ryu. At least he loves me. You never did!"
"Go to hell," I whispered, shaking in fury. And I thought, you will never know just how much I love you now, because you'll never have to do this to your child. I turned and started to walk away from him.
I was assaulted by draconic empathy. He was throwing his hatred and rage at me with such force that it nearly drove me to my knees. Tears rose in me as he shoved his feelings of despair and rejection and inadequacy at me. And I shoved back. I won't let this happen, I promised him. I'll get you out of this hell I've thrust you into.
Then the ground shook. I looked up, and saw the Palace crumbling. I heard the screams of thousands of people as the sky darkened. Death swept over us. I turned back to Garr, intending on trying to protect him from the wave of deadly magic that showered from the eclipsed sky, but I was too late. Garr was dead.
I screamed, and sat up bolt straight. As my mind registered that it had just been a nightmare, the last image from it flashed again in my head. The mural at Dragnier, that depicted the battle between the Goddess Myria and the first Destined Child and his comrades. And one of the dragon statues that I'd used to communicate with Ladon during my own Destined cycle.
I hated that. I absolutely hated that. And with absolutely no warning that he was gonna do that. Screw Ladon and his prophetic dreams! I would sooner slit my own throat than abuse my son like that. I didn't care if Ladon was trying to warn me.
I cried in the next moment. That would happen. Maybe not as it happened in the dream, but it would happen. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I'd learned that. I felt like a child again, confronted with the first dream I knew would come to pass. After defeating the Guardian Garr, the creature my son was named after, in Angel Tower. After that, I knew what I was meant to do. I think I was around seven or so then. When I awoke- or rather, the Guardian found me, in my Dragon whelp form, on a rampage in Dauna mine- I was seventeen. I didn't know how I knew my age. I didn't remember any of my life prior to being found by Rei in the woods by their tree fort, his and Teepo's. It was all a blank. But somehow, I knew I was seventeen. I'd dreamt I'd have to fight Teepo after I blacked out at Angel Tower.
And then, in Caer Xhan, on the way to fight Myria, that dream came true.
It had happened a few times since. I dreamed, before Garr was born, that Nina and I were married, and we divorced because of my own infidelity to her. Would never happen, I swore. Two years later, with Nina forced off the throne, myself cut off from Dragnier, and Garr just learning how to crawl, I had an affair with Valerie. Twice.
I dreamed Rei would assassinate Areloas, with Rzalyn's help. Would never happen, I told myself. Rzalyn had helped put Areloas on the throne. Why would he try to kill him? But it happened. Only I knew that Rzalyn was involved in Areloas's death, aside from Rei. Rei told me, several weeks before he did it, that he would take the fall for it entirely. Rzalyn had a child to take care of. I thought Rzalyn was going to betray my foster-brother.
He didn't. One day, we were escorting our wonderful "king" on a stroll through the Gardens. Rei threw a knife at Rzalyn; he pretended to give chase. Then, once they were both out of sight, another knife struck Areloas in the stomach, and then an arrow lodged itself in his chest. The arrow had been Rzalyn's.
I knew that these dreams came to pass. But, how, how, how could I ever treat Garr like that? What happened that I would feel I needed to hurt him? And... could Garr's death be avoided? Please! I prayed. I got absolutely no answers to my questions. I could do little else but cry.
"Ryu!" I heard my wife shriek. I started out of bed immediately. I was tugging my shirt on as I wiped my eyes as she burst into our room. "Garr's gone!" she screamed at me. For a moment, I didn't know why that was such a big deal, Garr went out in the middle of the night all the time. I followed him once. He just wandered around for a bit and came home. No big deal.
But then I saw the red slash across Demeter's wrist. "Wha-"
"He's with Vanessa," she said quickly. "I tried to stop them, Ryu, I tried- oh gods-"
She was bleeding pretty heavily, but it looked strange. It almost looked as if someone had healed it halfway, and then cut her again. And how'd it get on the inside of her wrist? I shook my head to clear my thoughts and whispered the spell that would close the wound entirely. "Get Janus and Sara up," I told her. "They're not staying here." I wanted them away from this house. If Garr was with Vanessa, and one of them did that to Demi- I didn't know what to think. I took the stairs too quickly, nearly falling head over heels down them, as I went for the study, intending to find a long-distance paralyze spell, or maybe a way to force empathy through mental barriers, so I could connect with my son and he couldn't shove me out. Whether he'd run away or she kidnapped him-
I stopped. The desk drawer I kept locked was ajar. As soon as I bent to examine it, I saw that the lock had been broken somehow, the things I kept in there were moved about. And Garr's razor rings were gone.
He ran away.
I cursed and tried to use empathy on him. I connected easily, a very small number of Dragons in the vicinity that I could reach, and threw my anger at his actions at him, trying to bend his will enough to force him to turn around and come home.
He sent back two very simple, straightforward responses. He was already very far away; the impressions were distant and hazy, but they were still distinct: an expression of apology, and a sense of love.
I wanted to start crying again. This wasn't happening! This couldn't be really happening! But my emotions were foiled by a frantic knock on the front door. I opened it, knowing Demeter was probably busy with the kids, to be greeted by a desperate Rzalyn and teary Alex. "Is Anna here?" Rzalyn asked, his voice strained and showing he was just as strung-out as I was at that moment.
"She's gone, too?" I asked.
"Oh gods," Alex said frantically. "Don't tell me Garr left, too!"
Demeter came back down the stairs, bearing a baby in one arm and holding a child's hand in the other. "Where should we go?" She asked me.
"Court Inn," I said quickly, "they know you're my wife there, they should give you rooms- I'll meet you there when I can." I kissed her swiftly. "I love you." Then I kissed my children on the forehead and embraced them, and they were gone.
"Wha-"
"Demeter was injured by one of them," I explained quickly, as Rzalyn started to ask. "I didn't ask who did it- Gods! I don't want them near here right now! We need to find Garr and Anna-" My mind was going a mile a minute, and I couldn't think straight. I was torn between going out and looking for them myself, and making some calls and alerting everyone else that we had two runaways on our hands.
Common sense won out, and I told them to get something to drink from the kitchen- they were both breathing too hard- and picked up the phone. In an hour, I had most of Wyndia in my living room: Alex and Rzalyn, Circe, Nina, Valerie and Sorrow, a few of the palace guards and a number of Garr and Anna's classmates. Demeter returned, as well: Serra couldn't leave the palace, so she had Demeter bring the kids to her and she would watch them while we searched.
Sunrise came too soon. The Queen’s Guard relieved our haphazard search party. I slept fitfully for a few hours. By noon I was prowling the woods just outside the city gates again, alone. I knew, even unarmed, I was more than a match for each of those three, alone. At once, though... If it came down to a fight, I could win if I were unarmed. If I was lucky. I chose to leave my sword behind, deciding that Anna and Garr would be less likely to be willing to fight me if they didn't feel threatened. I knew they were long gone. But I couldn't help but hope that they'd changed their mind and started home, and were just lost now. Wishful thinking. I couldn't find Garr with empathy anymore. He was either too far away or dead. And I would have known if he were dead.
Rzalyn and Alex found me close to sunset. Wordlessly, we went back into the city and straight for the Palace. And then Rzalyn and I demanded an audience with Serra. Immediately.
I knew what Rzalyn was going to ask without being told, as we three approached the throne. Rzalyn and I remained standing, while Alex went down to one knee behind us, as was appropriate court decor for a commoner accompanying nobles in an audience with the Queen. "I know what you're going to ask," Serra said calmly. "And the answer is no."
I felt my heart sink. Rzalyn glowered at her. "I know where the monastery is, my Queen," he growled. "I can take your guards right to them-"
"No, you can't," she cut him off, sounding helpless. "Vanessa told me her monastery was in Rapalpha. That's outside of my territory. Any of my soldiers crossing the border would be seen as hostile. I can't do that."
"Then let us go!" Rzalyn snapped.
"No. I need you two here." She eyed us. "You're two of my three generals. I need you here."
"My Lady, your Highness," Alex spoke softly from behind us. "I thought nobles were supposed to have more rights than commoners. Yet you not only ordered a search in Rapalpha for baby Stefani when she first turned up missing, but also in Dauna and Gemnel. And you're not willing to do the same for two nobles."
Serra focused on Alex, as if seeing him for the first time. "Oh, get off the floor," she ordered him wearily. "I thought we were friends enough to not fuss with formalities." Alex nodded and stood, swaying on his feet slightly. I squinted back at him, and noticed the dark shadows across his eyes, how shallow and drawn his face looked, and Rzalyn didn't seem much better. Had they slept at all?
"Look," Serra said, leaning forward. "All three of you are on the edge of collapse. And Garr and Anna are adults-"
"Anna might be of-age," I said passionately, "but my son is only fifteen! And Anna is hardly an adult, either-"
"Agreed," Rzalyn said grimly.
"Even so," the Queen responded wearily, "they are both far from being children. Rapalpha is a lot less likely to be sympathetic to two run-away teenagers than to a kidnapped baby."
"I'm going," Alex said in a dead, emotionless voice.
"No, you're not."
"Yes I am. Serra," Alex begged, "Garr's my best friend. Anna's my fian- my girlfriend. I love them. Please!"
"No," she said firmly, and then tilted her head. "You were about to say 'fiancée'."
Alex sighed as Rzalyn turned to look at him questioningly. "I never had a chance to ask her. But I’m positive she’d have said yes- or I was positive…"
"I'm sorry," Serra said. "I still can't let you go. I'm not going to ask you to understand, because you won't. But I ask that you please don't hate me for this. I'm doing what I have to." She rose. "Alex and Rzalyn, you may go. Can I speak with you in my private chambers, Ryu?" And with that, she swept out of the room. I looked helplessly at my companions: Rzalyn determined, and Alex devastated- and I sighed helplessly and followed her.
She was staring out one of the massive windows looking over the city when I entered her rooms. "Ryu," she asked absently, "what's the current penalty for disobeying a direct order from the Queen?"
I froze, my mind suddenly reeling. "Death."
"How quickly can you have it changed?" She turned to face me.
I blinked. "My lady?"
"They're going to go anyway," she said softly. "Don't tell me you didn't realize it."
"I did," I said out loud, slowly, just realizing that it was true, "but how do you know I'm not going to go with them?"
She met my eyes. "You have two other children to take care of, Ryu," she told me. "Garr is more than capable of taking care of himself. You and I both know that. And you have more faith in him than you realize, I think. We both know that one way or another, he'll come home, alive and in one piece." She smiled. "It won't matter if you count his fingers and toes before he's back or when he returns. They'll all be there regardless."
I wish I believed her. "I'll get to changing that law," I told her. "Try to hold off punishing them until it's gone through, if they're caught beforehand. It might take a few weeks."
"I'll do my best to stall it," she replied solemnly. Then she turned back to the mirror. I bowed, even though she couldn't see it, and left her. I knew I'd been dismissed.
"-and make sure you take a cloak. The climate in the area's changed quite a bit. Last time I was there, the winters were longer than the summers, amazingly, considering how warm it is by the Wyndia-Rapalpha border."
I stopped, listening behind the wall. "Rzalyn... I... You don't mind that I was going to ask-"
"Of course not, silly boy. I was wondering when you'd get on with it, in fact."
"Thanks." Alex sighed. "When are we leaving?"
"Tonight. Get some sleep. I don't care how you do it, but get some sleep. I'm thinking around two in the morning... hopefully we'll both be rested enough by then to travel."
I'd heard enough. I finally stepped out from behind the wall and started walking straight past them, to the throne room doors. "Ryu!" Alex said.
I stopped. "I didn't hear anything," I said quietly, not looking back.
"You're not coming with us, are you?" Rzalyn asked, amazed.
"No." I hesitated a few seconds longer. "Bring him home. I need to tell him something," I said, thinking of the dream. "I trust you to bring him home again." And then I walked out of the throne room, and a few hours later, I was home.
Demeter met me at the door, gazing at me sorrowfully. Without a word, she embraced me, and I sighed and laid my head on her shoulder. And we stayed like that, in the living room. And I stared desolately at the pictures of my three children that sat on the mantle above the fireplace; the one of Garr was taken a few years ago. Back when he wouldn't have dreamed of running away. Failure. Idiot. Selfish. Neglectful. Stupid. Fucking shitty father. Unfit parent. I hurled such pejoratives at myself over and over again. How could I have let this happen? What went wrong? How did I mess up this time?
Janus interrupted us, looking quite upset himself. Demeter and I turned our attention to him, trying to explain what was happening, and that Garr did not hate me, or Mommy, or Sara, or him. And then I was angry. How could he do this to Janus?! Forget the hell I was living! Janus didn't know any better- did Garr even realize how much his small half-brother looked up to him? Fine role model!
I slept fitfully again that night, tortured by nightmares of what might happen to my son. When I woke in the morning, my wife was gone as well, a note lying on her pillow, which simply read:
This is my fault. I need to find him. I'm sorry. I love you.
I stared at it in disbelief, wondering if I was still asleep.
I came to the conclusion that I wasn't in a few breaths.
I thought of seeing Garr on the bathroom floor, his arms gouged and bleeding. And I caught myself thinking that maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.
No. No no no no no. Janus and Sara. I needed to focus on them.
I wanted to cry. It felt as if my life had just been destroyed, my family torn apart. I needed to cry. But I couldn't. I felt too depressed, too dead. I wrote myself a prescription for a drug similar to the one I'd given Garr to try to elevate his moods. And then I hadn't the motivation to go get it. I went through the motions of caring for my other two children robotically, thinking about how I needed to eat as Janus sat down for breakfast and I fed Sara. No appetite.
Janus refused to go to school. Even Sara seemed depressed, even though she couldn't possibly understand what was happening.
I played card games with Janus all day, deciding to get to the law books in the morning. It could wait that long. After card games, board games. And then a quick game of charades. A walk to the playground. Lunch. More card games. And then the fight that ensued every time there was a family crisis, a power struggle over something so simple as going to bed. He relented after I agreed to read him a story. He picked out the longest book he owned, and climbed up into my lap with it as I sat in the recliner. I read, trying to sound as animated as I possibly could, to lighten the black mood that permeated my soul.
Halfway through the story, Janus twisted around in my arms to look at me, his blue-green eyes big and exhausted. "You don't have to act happy if you're not," he told me. "I'm not happy, either, Daddy."
I looked at him for a few moments, trying to figure out how to respond to him. I didn't know how to. He was too young, and this wasn't as cut and dried as a suicide attempt. There were no over-simplistic explanations. Janus looked down. "I know," he said, his voice afraid. "Garr tried to kill himself." I blinked, stunned. I didn't think Janus could comprehend- "And now he's run away from us. And Mommy has, too." And then he looked back up at me. "Daddy... Garr and Mommy... they're not ever coming home, are they?"
My stomach jolted painfully; a tightness gathered in my chest. "Yes, they are," I said, my voice low and husky with held-back emotion. "Garr just needs a break, and Mommy's going to make sure he does come home-"
"Don't lie to me, Daddy," he begged. "Lying's not nice."
I dropped the book. I wrapped my arms around my younger son, holding on to him, as if he'd disappear if I let go. And, pressing gently on him, so his head rested on my chest, I bowed my head and started to cry, holding Janus and shaking in fear and despair.
Story: Pure Again
Summary: Very Bad Things happen when rogue demigods try to reverse time.
Warning: references to sexual abuse, self-harm
From the Eyes of the Father
I watched my eldest son stomp up the stairs, wincing every time he set his left foot down too hard than was good for his healing ankle. Then I turned to Rzalyn. "You had better have a very, very good reason for that, Lynn," I said. It was rare that any of us used his real name. I did so now to try to show that while I was upset that he'd made that kind of call with my son, I wasn't going to begrudge him it. Lynn Rzahn never did anything without a purpose, I knew. It was just a matter of me agreeing with him.
Rzalyn sighed heavily. "I do, Ryu," he said quietly. "But now I'm going to have to ask you to just trust me now. I can't go into it."
Alex groaned. "For crying out loud, Rzalyn- I have had quite enough of people having secrets!" he snapped. "Spill it!"
Had that been Garr, or Sorrow, all three of us who remained in the room probably would have had a fit. But Alex was nearing twenty-one, and we counted him as an equal, an adult and not a child anymore. Rzalyn glared at him. "I'd rather not."
Demeter still held our daughter; Sara seemed to be asleep. My wife spoke in a thoughtful tone: "Rzalyn, Vanessa is Garr's step-aunt. He-"
"Yes, and Byron is Garr's step-uncle!" Rzalyn cut her off. "But you've managed to eliminate him from Garr's life!"
"That was a mutual decision between Garr's father, my sister, and myself." She was still speaking softly, but with an edge on her voice. She didn't like situations that were out of her control. "We did it because Byron was a clear danger to Garr. No one's accusing you of anything, Rzalyn, but we would appreciate it if you'd just tell us why you see Vanessa as a threat, as well, so we can honestly support your decision."
"I already do," Alex said hotly. "That woman is something else entirely. What else, I don't know. I just don't like not knowing what's going on, that's all."
Rzalyn glared at each of us in turn. Then he sighed and looked at his feet. "Ever wondered why I refuse to go by my real name?"
I shook my head. I could count the number of people who knew his real name on my fingers, and half of them were in this room right now. "You have your reasons," I replied. "None of my business." Demeter and Alex echoed my statement. I'd known Rzalyn's true name since I'd met him, Demeter knew because I did, and Alex... well, Alex found out on accident. I'd called Rzalyn 'Lynn' in front of Alex, without realizing it, and Alex wanted to know if that was what Rzalyn's friends called him. Of course, Rzalyn had to correct him. He hid his name, but he wouldn't lie about it.
Rzalyn took a deep breath, and then said, "I'm an ex-priest of Ladon." He stared at his hands. "I'm also not recognized as a member of the Ladonic faith- the head church excommunicated me." I gaped at him; I thought he'd left the priesthood when he met Anna's mother. "I was also declared a heretic," Rzalyn finished softly.
"That- that's horrible!" Alex exclaimed. He shook his head. "Why? I mean, there's absolutely nothing in Ladon's Legend to indicate that he'd condone anyone being labeled a heretic! In fact, he actually speaks against it several times-"
"I know," Rzalyn replied smugly. "I was a priest, remember?" His tone turned serious again. "I was excommunicated because I'd taken a lover. And I was declared a heretic because I'd taken part in a plot to murder Ladon's Highpriest. We failed, thank the gods," he spoke vehemently, "but Vanessa had as well. And she lied to cover her own backside when it came down to it." He chuckled wistfully. "That doesn't bother me too much. Aside from her being the High Priestess of our order now. That bothers me a hell of a lot. What bothers me is that she didn't need to smear our relationship-" Demeter gasped here, looking stunned. I was as well, and a thousand questions rose in my head, but I decided that Demeter looked like she might drop my child, and I rose to take Sara from her- "-all over the scandal after it was discovered, as well. And she didn't say one damn word about who it was I was sharing a bed with."
He sounded quite bitter, and I couldn't blame him. I would be too, after that. But Garr was right. "It does seem that you're just holding a grudge, Rzalyn," I said quietly.
"Oh, I am," he admitted freely. "But I would have kept my nose out of her relationship with Anna and Garr. Ryu, everyone but Vanessa and I, everyone who was involved with that plot, they were all executed." Alex let out a cry of angry protest; as much as he tried to deny it, he was quite religious, and devoted to Ladon. "They didn't kill me because they couldn't find me-"
"Why you changed your name," I realized then.
"-and they didn't kill Vanessa because, well... She'd lied more in that inquisition that I ever have in my life. Yes, that's why I changed my name. Anna's mother was the one who helped me get away. I was still going by my real name at that point, and three years later- Anna was just a baby- they found us." Rzalyn was pale, and he sounded lost, disconnected. "Anabelle kept the Inquisitors busy, telling me to take Anna and run, that I could get farther away faster than she could. I trusted my church not to kill an innocent. When I returned there for her, a day later, she-..."
Rzalyn stopped. The rest of us were silent. "I can't tell Anna that," Rzalyn finally said, his voice strained. "She'll blame me."
"No, she won't," Alex replied simply.
"She will. Gods- and she'd be right." Rzalyn pressed a hand to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut. A tear trailed down his cheek, and I felt like an ass for demanding an explanation. I had no idea it would be so painful for him... But he continued on. "That's not why I don't want those two near her." He wiped his eyes and looked at me. "I don't want them near her because she tried again, five years ago. And again, she was the only one the Inquisitors found innocent. In fact, she was rewarded for foiling her cohorts! And they killed them, too."
"Gods!" Demeter breathed. "That's not Ladonism! That's..."
"That's illegal," I said flatly. "The church wasn't dealing punishment for heresy, they murdered the plotters."
Rzalyn shook his head. "This isn't in Wyndia, Ryu, it's in Rapalpha."
"So?" I asked. "The Ladonic church has no power in any nations aside from Dragnier. And even then, they're not allowed to kill for crimes against Ladon, without the government's consent."
"The Ladonic church is corrupt," Rzalyn said wearily. "It has been for years. Ladon would have a fit if he saw the way things were run now."
"Indeed," Alex agreed dryly.
"So you think that Vanessa will try to draw them into another plot," Demeter said.
"Yes," Rzalyn responded. "I told Garr about half of that... I didn't tell him anything about the plot to kill the Highpriest. Perhaps I should have. Perhaps I should now," he said.
"If you try now, he won't listen," I told him. "Give him a day or so to cool off. You might want to tell Anna this, too," I suggested.
"No," Rzalyn said. "I can't tell her that I just left her mother to die like that-"
"Then don't!" I exclaimed, "but tell her why you think Vanessa's a threat to her!"
Rzalyn looked at me, as if his world might end. "Thank you for pushing me to tell you all that," he said softly. "I do think that maybe it weighs a little less on my soul now."
I reached out and gripped his hand. "I wish you'd told me about this before, Lynn," I told him. "Secrets are a hard burden to bear alone."
"You know from experience as well as I do," Rzalyn replied with a little grin, returning my squeeze, and then we let go as Demeter looked at Alex questioningly. He scowled and shrugged.
"I think I'm going to go home," the young man said. "I'm going to stop by your house though, Rzalyn, and check on Anna."
"Good idea," Rzalyn nodded. "I think I'll go with you."
We bid our good-byes to one another, and then Demeter and I were left alone. We bickered over who should get to hold the sleeping baby for a moment, and then Demeter went up the stairs to check on Janus. "He's asleep," she said when she came back downstairs. "I think we need to talk to him tomorrow, let him know that he wasn't sent to his room for anything he did."
I shrugged, stroking one of Sara's tiny hands with my thumb. "I think he realizes it," I told her. "I mean, you walked in right at the edge of that argument. Janus didn't look upset when he went upstairs. But you're right, just to make sure."
Demeter sat down next to me with a sigh, putting her face in her hands. "My family is falling apart," she said tiredly. I wanted to say something comforting, but I didn't know what. And now I wished I'd given in and let Demeter hold Sara; I couldn't even embrace her, offer her that comfort. "How did we get like this, Ryu?" she asked me. "Byron's missing, and seems to be a hardcore sadist, last time we saw him. My sister..." She shook her head in disgust. "My sister the deceiver. And... I.. Gods, Ryu, why the hell did everything just fall apart at once?"
"I wish I could tell you," I replied gently. "But I can't."
"I know, I'm sorry... I feel like I'm losing everyone at once-"
"You still have me," I told her, a little harsher and passionate than I probably should have, "and you know you always will."
Demeter looked at me, a mix of relief and trust and love reflecting in her gray eyes. "Thank you, Ryu," she said, very sincerely. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," I replied softly. Demeter closed the distance between us and kissed me, very lightly, and I returned the favor. And then the passion rose between us as a tender, loving kiss became a hot, desiring one, and she moved to embrace me.
The baby in my arms squawked, and then started sobbing.
Startled, I looked down at my daughter, blushing very hard. Then I looked back up to my wife, who was just as red in the face as I figured I was. "I think I better try to calm her and put her to bed first," I said, bewildered.
Demeter nodded slowly, then suddenly laughed and bent over my arms. "I'm so sorry!" she told the infant in a cooing voice. "We didn't mean to squish you! Can you forgive Mommy and Daddy?" Another sob was her reply, although her cries seemed less urgent and more irritated now. "Tell you what, my darling," Demi crooned. "Will you forgive us if we make you another playmate, a little brother or sister? Surely it would suck to be the youngest! So is it a deal?" She grinned at me.
"Oh, you are so crude," I chuckled, standing and lifting Sara so she was upright in my arms. She was still crying, but she laid her head against my shoulder. She was in a forgiving mood, it seemed. I remembered what Garr told me about her complaints to him through empathy, and I opened myself up to her, asking gently if she would tell me if she didn't feel good. I was met with apprehension, but she responded; no pain now, she impressed on me, but sometimes her chest hurt. An image flashed in my head; Garr gasping for breath, a hand pressed against his chest. I recognized it as a memory, something she'd seen him do.
And then a sensation that she wanted me to make it go away. It broke my heart to feel her desperation for relief. I kissed her forehead. "I'll try," I whispered.
"Wow, congratulations!" Demeter exclaimed. "You've finally managed not to upset her more, and only nine months after she was born! That's gotta be a record!"
"You hush up," I said, freeing one of my hands to point at her. I was quite proud. And happy, too, that she’d responded so well. "I swear, I'll withhold-"
"Oh, no you won't," she replied, winking at me.
"We'll see."
"Go put Sara to bed," Demeter ordered me with a grin. I stuck my tongue out at her and carried the infant up the stairs, carefully as to not jostle her- she was falling asleep again- and trying to ignore the wild desire to put her down to sleep and get back to my wife as quickly as possible. By the time I pulled the covers over her, Sara was sound asleep.
My eagerness for Demi faded to irritation, however, when I checked on Janus and discovered his shoes still on. She'd been up here to check on him earlier, why hadn't she taken off his shoes? Very gently I untied them, and pulled them off his feet. He only stirred once, when I picked him up to set him in his bed better- one of his arms were hanging down the side- and pulled the covers over him. I nearly knocked on Garr's door as I left the kids' room; he'd stopped crying, or if he hadn't, he was a good deal quieter about it. I wanted to make sure he was okay. But I also knew that he'd probably be angry at me for letting Rzalyn order him not to speak with Vanessa again. I wondered about him, a lot. There was something wrong. I still couldn't figure it out. Maybe I had been wrong when he told me that Demi was "doing something" to him, and he hadn't lied about it just being a half-dream. Maybe Byron was managing to terrorize him still? Did his mother say something to him that disturbed him? Did I?
This was useless, I realized. If something was wrong, he'd come to me eventually, or I'd find out. I knew he disliked it when people pried in his business. Especially me. But damnit, it was my job to pry. Why didn't he understand that? Because he's a fifteen-year-old boy, and you're his father, I answered myself. I remembered how irritated I'd been with my own "guardians" after the war, my Grandfather and the woman who'd taken the "poor battered boy" into the palace, despite protesting that I had no idea how to be a prince, or that I even was their prince. They tried to parent me. It didn't work. You just can't parent a seventeen-year-old. I'd done all my growing up on the journey, and I didn't give a damn if they didn't like my personality. Tough.
I sighed. Teenagers. Damned in-between years.
I went back downstairs, intending on getting some hot chocolate or tea. Despite my physical reaction to Demeter's attention, I hadn't taken her very seriously, and I didn't think she took me seriously, either. I can't even begin to describe the kind of pleasant shock I took when I saw her, looking at me from the couch, lying down with a sultry smile on her face, her hair down. And she was stark naked.
I went right over to her, grinning like an idiot, and I kissed her passionately. "What happened to withholding?" she asked smugly, pulling away.
I smirked at her. "I lied."
"Oh. Lucky me." She winked. And I lost myself in her eyes.
~*~
Somehow, a good hour later- maybe more- I managed to coax the both of us off the couch long enough to get dressed again. She complained that she wanted to cuddle; I told her that she should have thought about that before she decided the living room was a good place to make love and that we could cuddle perfectly fine while clothed. Gods forbid one of the boys decide to come downstairs with us in that state. She grudgingly agreed my point.
We were dozing, not quite asleep but too tired for "pillow talk", when the phone rang. I shook the grogginess from my mind as I reached back to pick it up. "Hello?"
"Mr. Bateson?"
"Yes, Anna," I replied, fully awake as I realized who it was. "Are you okay, hon?"
There was a pause. "Y- yes. Is Papa still there?"
"No. He left several hours ago. Why? He's not home?"
"He wasn't last time I was there," she replied. "I went looking for him." She hesitated; Demeter looked up at me questioningly. I tangled my free hand in her hair and mouthed "Anna" to her, and Demi nodded and laid her head back down on my chest. "He left with Alex," I told Anna. "Did he go home at all?"
"Yes, he was there. He left again, like, half an hour later. I know he was with Alex. Alex and I talked." '
"Did he leave when Alex did?" I asked, deciding that what they discussed wasn't important at that moment.
"Uh-huh." She sounded a bit worried.
I smiled despite myself. "He most likely went to Alex's," I told her. "Or maybe out to a bar with him or something. I'm sure they're fine."
"Okay," she said, not sounding too sure of herself. "How's Garr?" she asked, changing the subject.
I frowned. "I dunno. I haven't seen him since a few moments after you left- he got pissed off at your father and stormed off to his room."
"Can I talk to him?" she asked, still sounding a bit frightened.
"Sure," I said, nudging Demeter. She looked at me again, and I motioned for her to get off me so I could get up. "Hang on, let me get up there, okay?" I took the phone away from my ear and headed up the stairs.
There was no sound coming from his room, nor did it appear that there was a light on. I knocked lightly on the door. "Garr?" I got no answer; I opened the door slightly and stuck my head in the room. "You awake?"
My son waved to me limply, and then let his arm fall back down next to him. "Anna's on the phone," I told him. "She wants to talk to you." Silently, he rose to a sitting position and held his hand out. I walked in without turning on the light- it probably would hurt his eyes if I did- and handed him the phone. "I'm sorry I didn't intervene tonight," I told him before I let go of the phone, "but I did what I thought I had to. I love you." I kissed the top of his head and left, quickly, but leaving him enough time to say something to me if he wanted to. He didn't, and I closed the door behind me.
Demeter'd come upstairs. "How is he?" she asked softly.
"Silent," I replied. "Didn't say a word to me. He probably won't for a few days." I shrugged. I held up a hand. "No, he's not giving me the cold shoulder," I told her. "He responds to me, he just doesn't talk when he's angry."
"That's the cold shoulder," she replied.
"No, it's not. It would be if he refused to interact with me at all." I yawned. "I'm going to bed before the afterglow dies altogether."
Demi laughed. "I'll be there soon, love. I'm hungry." I kissed her as we parted ways at our bedroom door, she going downstairs again, and I going into the room. I stripped off my shirt and tossed it into a corner- I'd pick it up in the morning- and practically fell into bed. I was quite tired.
I dreamed.
Garr was yelling at me. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I could tell, by the way he moved, and the expression on his face, that he was furious with me. And I knew that I'd been in the wrong. His anger was warranted and justified. I didn't know what I'd done, but I knew that it had been bad. But his words, words I could not hear, enraged me. I wanted to literally strangle him, to hurt him.
I fought the feelings. I'd never hit Garr in anger in his life. I couldn't imagine ever striking him with the intent to damage him. Yet now, I wanted to do more than just damage.
He spoke again. Something in me snapped, and I slapped him, with all my strength. It sent him reeling backwards, and he fell to the ground heavily. Then I was speaking to him: "How dare you talk like that, you worthless little bitch!"
Whoa! What the hell!? Did I just say that to my son?! And even though I was horrified and disgusted at my words, I kept going. "You have no right to speak like that, to anybody," I hissed at him, "least of all me. The moment- the moment- I stop protecting you from Queen Serra, she'll have you killed and you know it. I'd have a little more respect for that if I were you, considering how quickly I can end your life. Oh, and by the way, I'd rather be a 'sold-out wannabe' than a whore like you!"
"Oh, fuck you!" he shrieked back, in tears. "Fuck you! I'm so glad this all happened, 'cause now I'm getting to see how much you cared about me! You probably knew everything that Demeter and Byron and Vanessa did, and you laughed at it, didn't you?! I'm just a joke to you, aren't I?! Rzalyn was much more of a father to me than you ever were and ever will be, Ryu. At least he loves me. You never did!"
"Go to hell," I whispered, shaking in fury. And I thought, you will never know just how much I love you now, because you'll never have to do this to your child. I turned and started to walk away from him.
I was assaulted by draconic empathy. He was throwing his hatred and rage at me with such force that it nearly drove me to my knees. Tears rose in me as he shoved his feelings of despair and rejection and inadequacy at me. And I shoved back. I won't let this happen, I promised him. I'll get you out of this hell I've thrust you into.
Then the ground shook. I looked up, and saw the Palace crumbling. I heard the screams of thousands of people as the sky darkened. Death swept over us. I turned back to Garr, intending on trying to protect him from the wave of deadly magic that showered from the eclipsed sky, but I was too late. Garr was dead.
I screamed, and sat up bolt straight. As my mind registered that it had just been a nightmare, the last image from it flashed again in my head. The mural at Dragnier, that depicted the battle between the Goddess Myria and the first Destined Child and his comrades. And one of the dragon statues that I'd used to communicate with Ladon during my own Destined cycle.
I hated that. I absolutely hated that. And with absolutely no warning that he was gonna do that. Screw Ladon and his prophetic dreams! I would sooner slit my own throat than abuse my son like that. I didn't care if Ladon was trying to warn me.
I cried in the next moment. That would happen. Maybe not as it happened in the dream, but it would happen. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I'd learned that. I felt like a child again, confronted with the first dream I knew would come to pass. After defeating the Guardian Garr, the creature my son was named after, in Angel Tower. After that, I knew what I was meant to do. I think I was around seven or so then. When I awoke- or rather, the Guardian found me, in my Dragon whelp form, on a rampage in Dauna mine- I was seventeen. I didn't know how I knew my age. I didn't remember any of my life prior to being found by Rei in the woods by their tree fort, his and Teepo's. It was all a blank. But somehow, I knew I was seventeen. I'd dreamt I'd have to fight Teepo after I blacked out at Angel Tower.
And then, in Caer Xhan, on the way to fight Myria, that dream came true.
It had happened a few times since. I dreamed, before Garr was born, that Nina and I were married, and we divorced because of my own infidelity to her. Would never happen, I swore. Two years later, with Nina forced off the throne, myself cut off from Dragnier, and Garr just learning how to crawl, I had an affair with Valerie. Twice.
I dreamed Rei would assassinate Areloas, with Rzalyn's help. Would never happen, I told myself. Rzalyn had helped put Areloas on the throne. Why would he try to kill him? But it happened. Only I knew that Rzalyn was involved in Areloas's death, aside from Rei. Rei told me, several weeks before he did it, that he would take the fall for it entirely. Rzalyn had a child to take care of. I thought Rzalyn was going to betray my foster-brother.
He didn't. One day, we were escorting our wonderful "king" on a stroll through the Gardens. Rei threw a knife at Rzalyn; he pretended to give chase. Then, once they were both out of sight, another knife struck Areloas in the stomach, and then an arrow lodged itself in his chest. The arrow had been Rzalyn's.
I knew that these dreams came to pass. But, how, how, how could I ever treat Garr like that? What happened that I would feel I needed to hurt him? And... could Garr's death be avoided? Please! I prayed. I got absolutely no answers to my questions. I could do little else but cry.
"Ryu!" I heard my wife shriek. I started out of bed immediately. I was tugging my shirt on as I wiped my eyes as she burst into our room. "Garr's gone!" she screamed at me. For a moment, I didn't know why that was such a big deal, Garr went out in the middle of the night all the time. I followed him once. He just wandered around for a bit and came home. No big deal.
But then I saw the red slash across Demeter's wrist. "Wha-"
"He's with Vanessa," she said quickly. "I tried to stop them, Ryu, I tried- oh gods-"
She was bleeding pretty heavily, but it looked strange. It almost looked as if someone had healed it halfway, and then cut her again. And how'd it get on the inside of her wrist? I shook my head to clear my thoughts and whispered the spell that would close the wound entirely. "Get Janus and Sara up," I told her. "They're not staying here." I wanted them away from this house. If Garr was with Vanessa, and one of them did that to Demi- I didn't know what to think. I took the stairs too quickly, nearly falling head over heels down them, as I went for the study, intending to find a long-distance paralyze spell, or maybe a way to force empathy through mental barriers, so I could connect with my son and he couldn't shove me out. Whether he'd run away or she kidnapped him-
I stopped. The desk drawer I kept locked was ajar. As soon as I bent to examine it, I saw that the lock had been broken somehow, the things I kept in there were moved about. And Garr's razor rings were gone.
He ran away.
I cursed and tried to use empathy on him. I connected easily, a very small number of Dragons in the vicinity that I could reach, and threw my anger at his actions at him, trying to bend his will enough to force him to turn around and come home.
He sent back two very simple, straightforward responses. He was already very far away; the impressions were distant and hazy, but they were still distinct: an expression of apology, and a sense of love.
I wanted to start crying again. This wasn't happening! This couldn't be really happening! But my emotions were foiled by a frantic knock on the front door. I opened it, knowing Demeter was probably busy with the kids, to be greeted by a desperate Rzalyn and teary Alex. "Is Anna here?" Rzalyn asked, his voice strained and showing he was just as strung-out as I was at that moment.
"She's gone, too?" I asked.
"Oh gods," Alex said frantically. "Don't tell me Garr left, too!"
Demeter came back down the stairs, bearing a baby in one arm and holding a child's hand in the other. "Where should we go?" She asked me.
"Court Inn," I said quickly, "they know you're my wife there, they should give you rooms- I'll meet you there when I can." I kissed her swiftly. "I love you." Then I kissed my children on the forehead and embraced them, and they were gone.
"Wha-"
"Demeter was injured by one of them," I explained quickly, as Rzalyn started to ask. "I didn't ask who did it- Gods! I don't want them near here right now! We need to find Garr and Anna-" My mind was going a mile a minute, and I couldn't think straight. I was torn between going out and looking for them myself, and making some calls and alerting everyone else that we had two runaways on our hands.
Common sense won out, and I told them to get something to drink from the kitchen- they were both breathing too hard- and picked up the phone. In an hour, I had most of Wyndia in my living room: Alex and Rzalyn, Circe, Nina, Valerie and Sorrow, a few of the palace guards and a number of Garr and Anna's classmates. Demeter returned, as well: Serra couldn't leave the palace, so she had Demeter bring the kids to her and she would watch them while we searched.
Sunrise came too soon. The Queen’s Guard relieved our haphazard search party. I slept fitfully for a few hours. By noon I was prowling the woods just outside the city gates again, alone. I knew, even unarmed, I was more than a match for each of those three, alone. At once, though... If it came down to a fight, I could win if I were unarmed. If I was lucky. I chose to leave my sword behind, deciding that Anna and Garr would be less likely to be willing to fight me if they didn't feel threatened. I knew they were long gone. But I couldn't help but hope that they'd changed their mind and started home, and were just lost now. Wishful thinking. I couldn't find Garr with empathy anymore. He was either too far away or dead. And I would have known if he were dead.
Rzalyn and Alex found me close to sunset. Wordlessly, we went back into the city and straight for the Palace. And then Rzalyn and I demanded an audience with Serra. Immediately.
I knew what Rzalyn was going to ask without being told, as we three approached the throne. Rzalyn and I remained standing, while Alex went down to one knee behind us, as was appropriate court decor for a commoner accompanying nobles in an audience with the Queen. "I know what you're going to ask," Serra said calmly. "And the answer is no."
I felt my heart sink. Rzalyn glowered at her. "I know where the monastery is, my Queen," he growled. "I can take your guards right to them-"
"No, you can't," she cut him off, sounding helpless. "Vanessa told me her monastery was in Rapalpha. That's outside of my territory. Any of my soldiers crossing the border would be seen as hostile. I can't do that."
"Then let us go!" Rzalyn snapped.
"No. I need you two here." She eyed us. "You're two of my three generals. I need you here."
"My Lady, your Highness," Alex spoke softly from behind us. "I thought nobles were supposed to have more rights than commoners. Yet you not only ordered a search in Rapalpha for baby Stefani when she first turned up missing, but also in Dauna and Gemnel. And you're not willing to do the same for two nobles."
Serra focused on Alex, as if seeing him for the first time. "Oh, get off the floor," she ordered him wearily. "I thought we were friends enough to not fuss with formalities." Alex nodded and stood, swaying on his feet slightly. I squinted back at him, and noticed the dark shadows across his eyes, how shallow and drawn his face looked, and Rzalyn didn't seem much better. Had they slept at all?
"Look," Serra said, leaning forward. "All three of you are on the edge of collapse. And Garr and Anna are adults-"
"Anna might be of-age," I said passionately, "but my son is only fifteen! And Anna is hardly an adult, either-"
"Agreed," Rzalyn said grimly.
"Even so," the Queen responded wearily, "they are both far from being children. Rapalpha is a lot less likely to be sympathetic to two run-away teenagers than to a kidnapped baby."
"I'm going," Alex said in a dead, emotionless voice.
"No, you're not."
"Yes I am. Serra," Alex begged, "Garr's my best friend. Anna's my fian- my girlfriend. I love them. Please!"
"No," she said firmly, and then tilted her head. "You were about to say 'fiancée'."
Alex sighed as Rzalyn turned to look at him questioningly. "I never had a chance to ask her. But I’m positive she’d have said yes- or I was positive…"
"I'm sorry," Serra said. "I still can't let you go. I'm not going to ask you to understand, because you won't. But I ask that you please don't hate me for this. I'm doing what I have to." She rose. "Alex and Rzalyn, you may go. Can I speak with you in my private chambers, Ryu?" And with that, she swept out of the room. I looked helplessly at my companions: Rzalyn determined, and Alex devastated- and I sighed helplessly and followed her.
She was staring out one of the massive windows looking over the city when I entered her rooms. "Ryu," she asked absently, "what's the current penalty for disobeying a direct order from the Queen?"
I froze, my mind suddenly reeling. "Death."
"How quickly can you have it changed?" She turned to face me.
I blinked. "My lady?"
"They're going to go anyway," she said softly. "Don't tell me you didn't realize it."
"I did," I said out loud, slowly, just realizing that it was true, "but how do you know I'm not going to go with them?"
She met my eyes. "You have two other children to take care of, Ryu," she told me. "Garr is more than capable of taking care of himself. You and I both know that. And you have more faith in him than you realize, I think. We both know that one way or another, he'll come home, alive and in one piece." She smiled. "It won't matter if you count his fingers and toes before he's back or when he returns. They'll all be there regardless."
I wish I believed her. "I'll get to changing that law," I told her. "Try to hold off punishing them until it's gone through, if they're caught beforehand. It might take a few weeks."
"I'll do my best to stall it," she replied solemnly. Then she turned back to the mirror. I bowed, even though she couldn't see it, and left her. I knew I'd been dismissed.
"-and make sure you take a cloak. The climate in the area's changed quite a bit. Last time I was there, the winters were longer than the summers, amazingly, considering how warm it is by the Wyndia-Rapalpha border."
I stopped, listening behind the wall. "Rzalyn... I... You don't mind that I was going to ask-"
"Of course not, silly boy. I was wondering when you'd get on with it, in fact."
"Thanks." Alex sighed. "When are we leaving?"
"Tonight. Get some sleep. I don't care how you do it, but get some sleep. I'm thinking around two in the morning... hopefully we'll both be rested enough by then to travel."
I'd heard enough. I finally stepped out from behind the wall and started walking straight past them, to the throne room doors. "Ryu!" Alex said.
I stopped. "I didn't hear anything," I said quietly, not looking back.
"You're not coming with us, are you?" Rzalyn asked, amazed.
"No." I hesitated a few seconds longer. "Bring him home. I need to tell him something," I said, thinking of the dream. "I trust you to bring him home again." And then I walked out of the throne room, and a few hours later, I was home.
Demeter met me at the door, gazing at me sorrowfully. Without a word, she embraced me, and I sighed and laid my head on her shoulder. And we stayed like that, in the living room. And I stared desolately at the pictures of my three children that sat on the mantle above the fireplace; the one of Garr was taken a few years ago. Back when he wouldn't have dreamed of running away. Failure. Idiot. Selfish. Neglectful. Stupid. Fucking shitty father. Unfit parent. I hurled such pejoratives at myself over and over again. How could I have let this happen? What went wrong? How did I mess up this time?
Janus interrupted us, looking quite upset himself. Demeter and I turned our attention to him, trying to explain what was happening, and that Garr did not hate me, or Mommy, or Sara, or him. And then I was angry. How could he do this to Janus?! Forget the hell I was living! Janus didn't know any better- did Garr even realize how much his small half-brother looked up to him? Fine role model!
I slept fitfully again that night, tortured by nightmares of what might happen to my son. When I woke in the morning, my wife was gone as well, a note lying on her pillow, which simply read:
This is my fault. I need to find him. I'm sorry. I love you.
I stared at it in disbelief, wondering if I was still asleep.
I came to the conclusion that I wasn't in a few breaths.
I thought of seeing Garr on the bathroom floor, his arms gouged and bleeding. And I caught myself thinking that maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.
No. No no no no no. Janus and Sara. I needed to focus on them.
I wanted to cry. It felt as if my life had just been destroyed, my family torn apart. I needed to cry. But I couldn't. I felt too depressed, too dead. I wrote myself a prescription for a drug similar to the one I'd given Garr to try to elevate his moods. And then I hadn't the motivation to go get it. I went through the motions of caring for my other two children robotically, thinking about how I needed to eat as Janus sat down for breakfast and I fed Sara. No appetite.
Janus refused to go to school. Even Sara seemed depressed, even though she couldn't possibly understand what was happening.
I played card games with Janus all day, deciding to get to the law books in the morning. It could wait that long. After card games, board games. And then a quick game of charades. A walk to the playground. Lunch. More card games. And then the fight that ensued every time there was a family crisis, a power struggle over something so simple as going to bed. He relented after I agreed to read him a story. He picked out the longest book he owned, and climbed up into my lap with it as I sat in the recliner. I read, trying to sound as animated as I possibly could, to lighten the black mood that permeated my soul.
Halfway through the story, Janus twisted around in my arms to look at me, his blue-green eyes big and exhausted. "You don't have to act happy if you're not," he told me. "I'm not happy, either, Daddy."
I looked at him for a few moments, trying to figure out how to respond to him. I didn't know how to. He was too young, and this wasn't as cut and dried as a suicide attempt. There were no over-simplistic explanations. Janus looked down. "I know," he said, his voice afraid. "Garr tried to kill himself." I blinked, stunned. I didn't think Janus could comprehend- "And now he's run away from us. And Mommy has, too." And then he looked back up at me. "Daddy... Garr and Mommy... they're not ever coming home, are they?"
My stomach jolted painfully; a tightness gathered in my chest. "Yes, they are," I said, my voice low and husky with held-back emotion. "Garr just needs a break, and Mommy's going to make sure he does come home-"
"Don't lie to me, Daddy," he begged. "Lying's not nice."
I dropped the book. I wrapped my arms around my younger son, holding on to him, as if he'd disappear if I let go. And, pressing gently on him, so his head rested on my chest, I bowed my head and started to cry, holding Janus and shaking in fear and despair.
